boom and bust

The unholy combination of religious zealotry and political corruption and inertia will see to it that starvation will solve the problem. It's disgusting but that's the way things are in this world....a few random ideas:

We harness nuclear fusion, develop mechanized agriculture basic on electric vehicles, educate the poor, stop child benefit, by law the right to have a family should be based on means, food aid should only be provided to poor people along with condoms and mandatory education, interstellar exploration happens in order to make use of raw materials from other planets and asteroids, anyone who has more than 3 children should be fined and sterilized, economies should be directed towards new technologies rather than providing for the materialistic whims of the shallow majority, every state and law system is completely secular and adopt a one party system where every department is voted in and out depending on strict performance criteria, make sure every murderer is executed and every rapist and pedophile is sterilised, ban religion, give more scholarships for higher education,...oh I think you get the idea.

Sounds brutal and ruthless? Maybe, but the alternative is far worse. Most of us are useless when it comes to actually making/doing something that could enable survival apart from just passing on our genes and there will be one or more main events that cause the majority of the population to disappear in the future.

Totalitarian mass sterilization is surely better than millions of dead in a plague scenario and the problems of dealing with the dead bodies etc, but the ideal solution is to change our attitude towards mother earth and not just to educate more people, but increase their desire to be educated, but this is a mammoth task.

If 'god' has allowed this pending population crisis and suffering to happen then he/she/it is a fascist! Religion is out of date and is turning a huge number of people into brain washed drones. We talk about morals, but at which level are they most justified, for the good of the individual or for the good of mankind as a whole?

Bottom line: The "inconvenient truth" overhanging the UN's Copenhagen conference is not that the climate is warming or cooling, but that humans are overpopulating the world. A planetary law, such as China's one-child policy, is the only way to reverse the disastrous global birthrate currently, which is one million births every four days. To those people who think having lots of children is their god given right, its not rocket science just do the math!

Do any of those self absorbed individuals who think it is their right to have children understand the heart of the problem? In raw nature it is an animal urge to have as many offspring as possible so at least two of them survive due to the cut throat environment mother nature throws at them. We now live in a civilised society where most children survive to adulthood and due to consumerism we have a high standard of living until a ripe old age. Do the sums, it is a simple trade off. We are genetically programmed to have a desire to reproduce like any animal does, but we also have something very large called a neocortex which allows us rational thought. Try using it. The planet's resources are finte, as are the resources of our own country, which means population growth has to be finite as well in order to maintain a status quo in living standard. We have three options 1) forced population control by the state 2) mother nature ruthlessly controls the population through famine and disease 3) we control ourselves by expanding our minds and looking out for the species as a whole, which is the best option? Have loads of children if you wish but you will only be condemning either them or their offspring to a far lower standard of living. Disagree with me as you wish but if you want a certain way of life you have to accept certain boundaries. It is about earning your rights with responsibility and they should both go hand in hand. There are 7 billion people in the world now and 9 billion predicted by 2050, and something has to give. We are sitting on a time bomb here and I beg you to think with logic over desire, because isn't that what makes human beings stand out? Try looking beyond your own little lives and think of humanity as a whole and you will see my point, because in the end it WILL affect in your own little lives in the long run. It is not an attack on any individual, but I wish everyone in the world would realise it. Things are changing in this millennium and we have got to a set of crossroads. This goes to people trying IVF off the state and people who have large families and claim child benefit just because they can. There is no such thing as a free lunch. I would love for the world to become educated enough to see that personal population control is the way to go, but there are enough stupid people out there for me to know that’s not likely to ever happen.

It may sound cruel, but I don’t see the benefit in all these humanitarian missions like Darfur. The genocide there is a result of competition for resources (because of overpop). It’s a human tragedy, no doubt, but if you save these people, they’re just going to create a strain on resources somewhere else, and once that strain becomes too great, or one group becomes too jealous, genocide will result again. Bill Gates may provide mosquito netting to prevent malaria in Africa. If you prevent malaria, how many rain forests will these people cut down to feed themselves? How much food will we need to send to place like Kenya (the Maersk Alabama was bringing food to Kenya, right next door to Sudan. When the Earth wants to have fewer people on it, it finds a way to get rid of them. Plagues like the Black Death or the Spanish Flu during the 1920s eliminated millions of lives in heavily populated areas. Earthquakes, volcanoes, tsunamis, etc. cut down populations. The original point doesn’t sound so cruel after all. I honestly think we’re due for another pandemic of a sort. Just seems like developed countries have been living too clean lately. People have forgotten the past and are oblivious to the future.

It is not sustainable and what good is being politically correct and ensuring ALL freedoms if it will lead to the downfall of humanity? Curbing population growth through family planning must be at the heart of policies to fight global warming. Governments must reduce population growth by funding better family planning - even if it means shifting money from curing illness to increasing contraception and abortion, and reduce child benefit to just one child. Don’t get me wrong children are lovely and can enrich the lives of parents, but what is wrong with having a maximum of two children who will each receive a great portion of family resources not to mention that the planet has a biological load limit and I’m sure we have surpassed it already.? Voluntary human extinction movement take it a little far, but the ideal has it’s basis in everything that was discussed here.

Which leads to my next point…

"Great nations rise and fall. The people go from bondage to spiritual truth, to great courage, from courage to liberty, from liberty to abundance, from abundance to selfishness, from selfishness to complacency, from complacency to apathy, from apathy to dependence, from dependence back again to bondage."

Democracy just plain doesn't work. And it will inevitably lead to tyranny. By employing democracy, it says that everybody has a say in who should lead the country. The problem is that this implies that everybody does know what’s best for the country and understands politics. My suggestion (as it would be apt to provide a solution albeit a rather simplistic one) is that qualified voting MUST be implemented whereby a person must qualify as intellectually apt in order to cast a vote. This, I know, is drastic but in order to combat this "apathy" as such, maybe such drastic measures are necessary. To end - I have to say that I believe in dictatorships as such where a bunch of qualified intellectuals run a country! But, in the real-world, I know this is impossible because of corruption and stuff but one can dream... The person that can't find "Russia (biggest country in the world)" but needs to find a way to find food and or money to feed his/her family should be able to vote because s/he knows his/her world and how government affects his/her wallet.

Democracy Is Fake When the Populace Consists of Ignorant Sheep Who Can Easily Be Manipulated By the Powers That Be. I like the idea of 'majority rules', except when the majority consists of un/misinformed pawns who have no touch with reality and are easily manipulated into believing virtually anything that could appear to further their personal interests. The majority should be considered, and forgive me for the term, 'retarded'. The powers that be are working only in their own interests to gain money, influence, and power over everything. They are not working for the majority, but pretend that they are, to the detriment of society. The world needs to be ruled by reason, and if people are too thick to understand reason, they can adhere to the concept under a similar whip under which they are currently facing. Eventually as their lives became better, I'd hope that they'd understand why it must be. I've had it with the bullshit. It's enough. I want reason to rule, at any cost. Bring on the philosopher. We need a dictator that has absolute power, yet cannot be corrupted.. maybe we need alien overlords or something. Some may say god will determine the outcome, but if that was the case we would go the same way as the Neanderthals. People are too ignorant, scared, and self-interested to be trusted with the vote, and the candidates are too ignorant, scared and self interested to be trusted to keep to their unrealistic promises, and once they get a taste of power it simply gets reinforced.

Both of these points are examples of short term whims which will inevitably lead to the downfall of humanity as we know it.
‘facts are stubborn things and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passions, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence’

john Adams 2nd US president. Argument in Defence of the Soldiers in the Boston Massacre Trials, but a quote that can be applied to many things.

A state of mind or a mind of the state?

So you feel like renting a movie. After a slow drive to the video store in which you try to avoid the police from extorting you, you enter a video store with enough security cameras to see parts of you that you've never seen. You would rent some porno but today you'll be paying in credit card and you sure don't want that census taker knowing you've seen all 50 volumes of clamlappers. So instead you rent film 1984 based on the book with the same name. The zit face behind the counter scans your card and instantly your personal information and spending history is all over the internet. When you get back home you pop in the tape, you would have a joint, but the government has decided that pot isn't in your best interest. Neither is beer, cigarettes, fatty foods, caffeine, red meat, abortions, pornography, motorcycling, flag burning, sex in general or any of the other things you use to enjoy. You sit down to watch your movie and relax the rest of the night when storm trooper-like police bust down your door and carry you away. Seems renting 1984 set off an alarm in all local police computers and got you on the thought police's wanted list. You should know better then to oppose your government in any way, shape, or form. You would fight back but all those gun laws eventually equalled up to a ban on the second amendment. Sound like an impossible world? Sounds fictional? Watch it then take a look at the world around you. Your half way there. Enjoy what freedoms you have left before they're gone.

Countdown to extinction – The Orang-utan’s scorched earth

I find the plight of these creatures rather upsetting, it really represents for me how devastating us humans are to the rest of the planet and how little we care as a species for all the wonderful things around us, even each other. If anything else was spreading and destroying as fast as we are we would kill it immediately and be talking about how terrible it is what this ‘thing’ is doing. People see the holocaust as one of the lowest moments in the history of humanity but this is far worse. More humans get added to this overcrowding world each year than the total number of people killed in WW2, yet for some reason it is fine to kill off our closest cousin.

I saw program called Orang-utan Diaries, with one of my favourite ladies on TV, Michaela Strachen, who went into the jungle and found a baby orang-utan tied to a tree where poachers had killed the mother and left the baby there. It affected me so much when I saw what members of our so called intelligent species had done. This was not an isolated incident, Michaela was crying, it was so tragic and still haunts me to this day to the point where I have recurring dreams about Borneo and its plight.

I can’t watch wildlife programs like these anymore for the fear of the depressing, yet familiar line about shrinking habitats and how many more years are left before they are gone for good. I do support charities and make donations from time to time, but is throwing money really enough? It is ironic that this shows the very best of what humans are capable of in terms of compassion, but only due to the acts of the very worst. It is as though like WW2, the sight tragedy forces us to reflect and raise the moralistic core within some of us.

Like ever sane human I do not want to die or commit genocide, but to be frank, if 90% of us were wiped out (which could be likely in the future due to lack of resources and exploding overpopulation), it would be the best thing to happen to mother earth for a very long time. Of course I don’t want to be in that 90% nor my closest friends and family but, the fact is, without trying to sound narcissist or self indulgent, I do possess a certain mindset or mental model as a result of my upbringing, which I share with my family and friends. I am proud it, and just wish more people would be aware of the things that really matter rather than be lost of their day to day grind.

Thinking takes effort, and yes you have to take the rough with the smooth, but as a person it can really mould you. They say that people with Asperger’s and Autism are more drawn towards animals and also the physical world more than other people, but I don’t think that matters here. Logical, rational thought on a deep level, combined with compassion is something anyone could potentially practice. You don’t need the IQ of a Nobel prize winner to appreciate subtle beauty and put two and two together.

I think people over a certain cognitive age of development should not automatically be free to every right at their disposal. On a moral level people should have to earn their human rights, and be able to lose them, and not have them handed to them on a plate, expecting the world to do everything for them. The mentality which implies you can behave and act as you wish at the expense of others as a birthright (fellow humans or animals), and still be entitled to the same basic things as someone who shows a positive contribution to society and the world. But please don’t think I am implying everyone should do at least ten hours of community service a week or else they are not allowed to eat! We need a change in lifestyle that’s all, sounds simple but in reality it isnt.

The bottom line is, humanity stinks (with the exception of only rare moments of brilliance). The majority excretes vulgarity, blind over consumption, and arrogance. The ignorant and sickening selfishness driven by being set in our ways is beyond that of any other creature known. We claim to be intelligent and superior and that we own this world, not simply the lease holders, but we carry out acts with such cold hearted, primitive and myopic intent. There are animals that kill, although for mere survival with just the R-complex and limbic system to rely on for their judgement.

Our tendency to resort to over indulgence, so easily corrupted by power and greed, is certainly not a sign of intelligence. If we were indeed placed upon this rock by some all powerful being(s) as an experiment to see how an intelligent species would fare in such a material environment, we have certainly failed, or at least on the brink. If there was an all loving god, where is this mysterious entity now to prevent such acts of evil? The truth is, we have to rely upon ourselves, and what we do, not merely by what we just believe or hope. A man is defined by his actions (as Kuato said on total recall!) which means it is up to us as a collective force to make the difference. If this does not happen things are only going to get worse.

Otherwise may the younger generation inheriting the smouldering, war-torn, polluted, and chaotic world potentially left in the wake of this civilization have the intellectual courage, integrity, creativity and strength to tolerate the insanity and absurdity of this awful culture and bring about actual change where we have failed, if they ever survive themselves. Our culture’s addiction to systemic violence, industrial capitalism and environmental exploitation, as evidenced by the current epidemic of poisoned landscapes and shell-shocked nations, seems to be heading in only one direction.

I am not a Marxist, or a complete anti-capitalist, (as it works fine in some industries), or even a raving vegan shouting ‘peace man’ at every given moment, I work for a private company which is there to make profit, I eat meat and ride a motorcycle. Despite this I have come to the conclusion that there is no room in a capitalistic culture (especially on a global scale) for a conscience or logic, and it is all about consuming more and more faster and faster until nothing is left, and then blind panic tightens its grip, and everyone loses out apart from the absolute minority that benefited the most in the first place, another shining example being the financial crisis.

This is especially the case in terms of draining resources, exploiting workers, creating a brainwashed cultural mindset, and of course the destruction of habitat. Humanity effectively has three future paths to follow: 1) Globally each and every one of us change our attitudes and show more moral restraint in our lives, 2) The state(s) or some other kind of enforcement will have to become ruthless at tremendous human cost or 3) Mother nature will eventually fight back, via Darwinian means. I know which one could be the most desirable for us and other life forms on this planet to prosper and have a future, yet the chances of that happening is rather slim.

Back to the original topic, the senseless direction and complete lack of respect and compassion shown by faceless corporate bodies who will not be satisfied until they have reduced Borneo (not to mention the rest of the world) to a lifeless monoculture of plantation. The thought of this just reduces me to a state of turmoil, trying to comprehend why people behave this way, especially if they have children of their own, I mean what sort of world would they have to live due to the acts of their ancestors? Is a short term profit worth the eradication of so many precious species and ecological process that are vital to the wellbeing of the whole global biome?

Wherever you look, man is destroying every beautiful animal and habitat on this planet. Gandhi said you judge a country by the way it treats its animals. When it is all over, and we have wiped out every threatened species, I hope we will feel it was all worthwhile and live like kings for millennia. I have donated money because I felt so helpless and had to do something, but what about these big companies who are destroying all these habitats for ridiculous sums of money, and why is every government in the world so silent? We are not militant enough, and the end is nigh. I never donate to world aid charities because I don’t see them to be important enough and their priorities are wrong. Does that make me cold hearted? Maybe to some people, but personally I think that with a population of 6.8 billion already (and predicted to reach 9 billion in only a few decades), there are other charities out there with much more urgent needs.

It should be obvious that the benefits of protection are more sustainable long term than total destruction; once its you cannot re-grow a whole eco system overnight. Why do they not protect their own country? It is such a shame, a downright tragedy that deforestation will not only threaten their existence and that of others, not to mention that the area will lose a lot of stable, long term commercial success through medicines, eco tourism, and sustainable produce. It is so short sighted to allow this destruction and the governments should clamp down hard on poachers/illegal loggers – take their homes away, or banish their over inflated families to the mainland or a place very far away.

Where orang-utans are concerned it will be one more significant and high profile extinction amongst many we are responsible for, whales came so close, - we are never happy with killing own species so we need to make things as hard as possible for every other. Unless we really all pull together it will not only be those poor little apes of the forest which disappear, due to overpopulation and out of control breeding, as a result of over consumption of so many resources in such little time.

Put simply, we face catastrophe. In order for deforestation to lessen worldwide, and for people to realise what they are doing, we must educate those who put so many in danger and don’t realise the implications of an unsustainable population boom, because they need food and money to live. Traditionally t is always the poorest people who are exploited and forced to cut down tress for the mindless consumerist wants of the richest, and it always the poorest people who have the most number of children due to unavailable family planning or education.

We seem to have this complete obsession with absolute freedom at all costs, the right to do anything we please during our mundane day to day grind. We need to fill that empty void with a drive to better ourselves rather than filling it with over consumption.

I am no child hater, quite the opposite I have a gorgeous nephew and niece, but surely having less children per couple would mean as well that each potential child would in effect have a better quality of life, being able to have a larger proportion of what is available? And surely living within your means and being less dependant on materialistic endeavour would be more fulfilling in terms of making the most of living your life? I don’t know, maybe you do need a certain mindset or wiring of the brain to appreciate the real depths of what this little, yet extraordinary world is all about, spiritually and physically. I fear for the future generations, yes produce as many as you wish, but that will only mean there will be more souls to potentially endure this future scorched earth.

The more I see of humankind, the more I am in love with my pet spider called Sammy.

mental freedom

Aspergers is not itself a mental illness, just a different way of looking at the world. The only problem is the differences in priorities, which can conflict with the other end of the human spectrum.

We are afraid of what is different. We are a culture that is afraid of change, yet seek it so badly. We are a society of hypocrites, androids, and ignorants. We thrive on the fact that we are the best country in the world, yet somebody shows any disassociation of routine, we are the first to question and get angry.

Generations past were a free-spirited, mind challenging culture that explored all possibilities no matter the cost. The experience was all they needed as a reward. Now, we are more concerned about money and the family-plan that we sometimes place ourselves on the backburner to life. Wake, eat, and pay the bills. What a sad daily structure that we have. Is it any wonder that ‘mental illness’ is more apparent, and that any differences to the norm get frowned upon so much?

These are the choices that we chose to make, and for anyone to say that they cannot do it, I would have to challenge. You CAN do anything, it is whether you chose to do it is another question. I wonder what it will be like in another 30 years. Where will we be, and will the idea of individualism be lost? I can’t wait to see …

The negative side of freedom … hatred and fear of the unknown or unfamiliar. We bomb a country because they do not follow the same principles that we do, it is no different to judging an individual because they dont think or act that we do.

Moral dilemma follows, the underlying message of individual freedom and nonconformity. Self-enslavement is a popular past-time for today’s culture, anything different is considered a condition or an illness. If this attitude gets worse, like a bunch of fools, we are doomed as the civilisation we are familiar with. This a powerful philosophy we are dealing with here, and I dont mean to sound pretentious, but this is an issue that I an deeply passionate about.

Alot of mental issues are born from people who are unsure of their own place in the world, due to the reasons I have mentioned before, why should they be blamed or ridiculed for it? Why are people not so willing to believe in the goodness of others and give them a chance before judging them instead of labelling them as simply ‘annoying’? Am I wrong in assuming the never-ending intolerance of a conservative society that does not accept the changing and evolution of thought mean that we are chasing after something that doesn’t even need to exist.

my baby is bleeding

Went to change the oil last week in my Triumph, all going well, put the sump nut in tighten up as usual, then pour the new oil in.

All seems well until I notice that it is dripping, maybe I didnt tighten it enough, seems a bit loose, better tighten it a bit more.

*CRACK* the sump pan splits. Oh shit I forgot to install the crushable washer. Bollocks.

30 quids worth of oil dumped into the road and 210 quid for a new sump pan and gasket...expensive mistake! I have changed the oil dozens of times in the past, mind on other things.....!?

questions

I often ponder on the fate of mankind, I am pretty sure of the direction it is heading, but it really doesnt have to. Does my limited theory of mind capability cause my frustration, or is it because of my logical nature? At first glance the answers may seem obvious. But is it really that simple? I suspect it takes more than just a simple answer.

Why do fear and evil appear to be made for each other, and does all fear stem from being unable or unwilling to understand?

Is dependance as a result of ignorance the product of a consumerist society?

Why is emotion and reason so conflicting, surely opposites attract?

Are alot of people too lazy to think or are they just too scared?

How far will the desire for materialistic gain go before it is too late?

What is worse, a fear of living or a fear of dying?

Why does society in general value short term gain over long term goals?

Is hardship the only way to enforce perspective?

Could fascism potentially secure the future of mankind as a thriving species if morality was viewed from a perspective beyond the lifetime of a mere individual? If not, why not?

Why is communism so brilliant on paper yet so bad in practice?

Is democracy really as good as it sounds, surely it fuels a web of lies and deceit?

Do creativity and conformity directly oppose each other?

If current and past political models do not work as effectively as they should, why hasnt one been developed that does?

Is it mortality that results in selfish thinking, and will this actually aid the downfall of civilisation?

Personality aside, what really defines an act of evil? Intention? Outcome?

Its official

After months of questioning, doubting, over analyzing, thinking every possibility it was finally spelled out to me in black and white by a professional. I have Aspergers Syndrome. They even asked me how I felt when they said it, bit of a silly question to ask an aspie really, but I simply said 'relieved'.

Not so much a desperation for having a label but more just finding a reason. I do not like to accept situations for how they are, I need to know how and/or why. Even my parents have fully accepted it, which I must say is the biggest relief of all.

I have been virtually convinced that I have AS for roughly a year now, but being told has made me rather philosophical, as it wasnt really a shock out of the blue. Time to stop being all emo with all that angst and self pity, and to start the real journey of self discovery.

The Power of Mozart

Something about his music just hits the spot. When I am feeling confused, low, angry, or even happy, I can play mozart and hear/experience purity, perfection and youth. His cheeky knack at finding that hysterical sweet spot within his compositions can bring a tear to the eye. Mozart’s means of expression is precisely as ‘simple’ and as ‘complicated’ as are emotions, it explores every avenue, until every possibility appears to have been exhausted, but then you realise the possibilities are endless. Exploring loneliness and affection mixed with a dreamy sense of fun.

His music provides comfort, warmth, and mental enrichment. This is possibly due to such a broad mix of tonality, and a stylish sequencing of notes that would provide a form of musical witticism which could only have been concieved by a bombastic genius, exposing your inner child that never wants to disappear. Light and fluffy on the outside, multi layered complexity underneath, which pulls one by the ears to the depths of hell and the loftiest clouds of heaven.
Whether it is eine kleine nachtmusik (personal favourite), the marriage of figaro, or symphony No 40, it has the effect of an addictive drug, I will get withdrawal symptoms, crave it and when I expose my ears to his creation again it raises my conciousness to another level, providing the perfect escape leaving my mind refreshed. I can physically freeze, having to put all my energy into absorbing this aural feast and feel all the better for it. I can play a single track over and over again without getting bored of it, focusing each time on the different layers of thought that went into its creation.

As much as I love various musical genres such as heavy metal, blues, jazz, prog rock, new age, reggae and various other classical composers, mozart has to be the most timeless of all the artists. If Beethoven is the soul of classical music, Bach being the backbone, mozart is most certainly the face, being able to communicate on so many levels with just a single piece (that sounds ironic coming from me as I am not very good at reading faces!). Sensory sensitivity has its advantages!

Typical monday morning

hmm what do I do today? what was I going to do today? did I lock the back door? did I remember to make my lunch? oh no im 2 minutes late for work, PANIC! Oh damn I forgot to brush my teeth. Oh shit, I have to say im very well when I walk into the office when infact I feel like crud. I have loads to do at work, where do I start? Oh shit I was meant to put the backup tape in on friday, *gets a telling off from his manager*. Stop fidgeting during a meeting says my manager... hmm did I remember to take my pills this morning...I cant remember. adrenaline levels rising (someone keeps coughing randomly and VERY loudly.. becoming unbearable...server whizzing away, drilling into my soul. Reaching breaking point....time to go home, darn someone is in the bathroom, I always have my bath as soon as I get home! grrrrrrr *bangs on bathroom door...OI HURRY UP I NEED MY BATH! Oh and now someone is using the microwave, I always have my dinner at 6 o clock. GRRR *takes out whatever is cooking in the microwave and puts his own food in there* Oh what now? someone has sent me a text asking if I fancy a drink tonight? Get stuffed you should have asked me last week so I can mentally prepare...!

Is someone talking to me? Im watching this documentary about the death of the universe, stop bothering me! Program is over, I ask what they wanted (40 mins later), im told to stop being so selfish, not sure what they mean so I lose my temper, throw a cup of coffee across the room and storm off. I put on a led zeppelin song, listen to it over and over again while surfing the net. Oh shit! its time for bed, it is 11.59 and 30 seconds... better take my pills, brush my teeth, go toilet. hmm did I just take my pills? I cant remember, better take em again incase I forgot I dont want a brainstorm in the middle of the night.

Same again tomorrow!

A walking contradiction

I will just go out and say it, I love playing lego, watching thomas the tank engine, making strange gurgling noises, making up strange new words, making strange bodily movements including laying on the floor the wriggling about, playing my musical instruments, making totally irrelevent comments that only I understand but annoy people. Im no different to my 5 year old nephew then (his personality is worrying similar to mine, and I hate to say it but I hope he never changes!).

But then I could spend a whole evening calculating intake velocity, piston speed, and other meaningless bits and pieces regarding my motorcycle, or maybe spend a whole evening listening to a BB king song over and over again.

Having said that I always worry about the future of this planet, the decling morals of society, the ignornace and bigotry displayed across the population, the global financial crisis, work issues and any slight issue during the day that might cause any kind of stress.

I seem only able relate to kids under ten or people twice my age, with one exception, for different reasons. I dont feel too nervous around them and things flow so much easier. Probably because young kids are honest, innocent and curious, not to mention silly! Older people tend to have more wisdom. I seem to have inherited the best and worst aspects of the extreme ends of the mental lifespan, but to be honest I am not one to judge whether this is a good thing or a bad thing.

The tired phrase 'act your age' is so overrated! What am I then? A normal 25 year old man, someone who over-uses logic to attempt to steer through life, someone who has a mental age of a 5 year old, a bitter old man who should get over it, or maybe, just maybe someone who is all of these. No wonder I just end up fighting myself most of the time, just for a sense of identity. Not many people have seen all the sides of my personality, most have seen parts of it more than often the negative parts are the surface, the positive parts on the inside. It takes a certain someone to be able to see that inner part, and an even more special someone to appreciate it. Who knows if anyone else will be able to see it apart from my immediate family and a friend ive known for a long time. I am definately not a person who someone can warm to initially, partly for reasons I cannot control, but I guess the goal is learn how to 'fake' the initiation somehow to provide some kind of tunnel into the real part. I cant even imagine how I must seem to people who dont have this tunnel vision. It cant be pretty.

Social Anxiety (Finally making sense)

Would I be correct in assuming that social anxiety for most aspies isnt just a vanity issue or a fear of being ridiculed, but more of a fear of the unknown, as to us, reading new people and coming to terms with a new personality is like learning a brand new skill for each person, and the number of skills one mortal being can have is not infinate? From what I have read I believe fear of the unknown is very much enhanced for people with Aspergers Syndrome which may be an executive functioning/weak centeral coherence issue, which is why we like routines and order, hate random noise, and have special predictable interests. This is just another example of it.

I have known a friend all my life and I not nervous around him, we hardly even say hello to each other it is just straight into the topic of choice! I am lucky in a sense that he has a few autistic-like traits minus the inability to interact with people, for example special interests, empathy issues, needing space, self absorbed etc so he isnt too bothered about my weirdness, as he is 'outside the box' too (which is a compliment).

With alot of people I come across I seem to make enemies without even doing or saying anything. I think this adds to the anxiety as well, and can lead to self doubt, as I would always wonder what the hell it is about me that just scares people off. Through intellectualizing the process due to recent aquired knowledge, the answer to this is blinkingly obvious.

People who I dont see regularly, and strangers (this can even include family members) make me incredibly nervous, and this has been the case as far as my memory allows. In my childhood I saw virtually all of my extended family at least once a fortnight, obviously at school the teachers and kids are seen every day, so this problem would not be apparent back then, but as people move on and go their seperate ways, and as the social web becomes more complicated, the problems start to surface.

At least with people who see me regularly I am guessing that they know what to expect from me and vice versa. I am nervous when I am looked at not because I think they are looking down on me because of my appearence, (which I previously thought a few years ago as that was all I could think of, but it isnt the issue now especially as my conciousness has been raised towards Aspergers Syndrome) but more the fact I am just unable to react properly with my face and eyes for that particular person, or quick enough, and even worse react to their counter reaction etc and then it ends up in a big mess, and leaves me thinking as though 'thats another person ive blown it with'. Failing for so long to realise every person has their unique subtlety when communicating their personality will lead to confusion and as a result of this ongoing set of events, social anxiety tightens the grip. The long held belief/assumption that everyone thinks like I do has been proved to be incorrect.

The way I have interacted with people, sometimes not being too friendly because I havent understood the way I was supposed to communicate effectively with them and they didnt understand that I didnt understand so due to this situation occuring many times in my life, it has had a big influence on me. Now I have realised it is the shape of my face and the way I move my body that makes all the difference. A far cry of assuming people are weird because they move around in a funny way, which appeared different depending on the person.

Social tasks most people take for granted are difficult and take up excessive amounts of time during complex social situations. It is as though I have several small excessively positive and negative characteristics all bundled together in such a way to produce, well, me.

This is different to generalised social phobia as I am not scared of talking to people, it usually just depends on how often I see that person, the place, my train of thought, the time and atmosphere (noises, distractions etc) at the time of communication, plus the amount of pre rehearsed phrases and rote behaviour I have prepared in advance to sustain an ongoing interaction. If any of these factors are weakened, the anxiety is more intense leading to chain reaction which can result in mental exhaustion and a need to withdraw. At least with my friend withdrawal isnt necessary, complete silence for a while doesnt bother either of us, as far as I know.

I think this conclusion at least for me, destroys the possibility of avoidant personality disorder because although social anxiety is the prime subject, it is aquired through different means and is not always present, although obviously it is there often enough to sometimes become unbearable. Probably repeating what ive said on previous blogs, but it helps reinforce my assumption.

Shoot me before I go too emo

Everyone ive ever known has been in at least one relationship. How the hell do I go about it, what will my life end up as, am I going to end up as a lonely bitter old man and just rot away as some corpse in his bed left undiscovered for months smelling like a sewer with maggots infesting my decaying corpse? Im not very smart emotionally or socially but I have morals, I know what is right and wrong, and I would never hurt anyone who has no mallicious intentions. As much as I like the 'rational thought' of the physical world, sometimes I wish I could just start my life over again as a NT.

Because people are judged by what they look or sound like the usual 'this person doesn't sound too educated/intelligent' crops up. Im not made to sound intelligent, i'm made to think, its a different intelligence to be able to express intelligence.

But I believe I dont seem smart, but the honesty is in with the fact that I do think like that, and I wish not to anymore, because its just infinite regression...being unable to relate to others with any degree of depth and insight doesn't make me any happier either. Regression is relied upon too much as an ineffective coping measure, but due to habituation it sadly perseveres as a method.

Greater awareness that comes with my way of thinking has exposed me to problems most others don't even know about (mostly philosophical, some contemporary - such as environment) Is it my responsibility to solve those problems, or at least try to? Because otherwise these problems will be left for those who don't even understand them! Voicing these concerns is usually replied by 'you think too much' and although I am too smart for my own good, im also not smart ENOUGH to do anything about it. Imagine leaving issues like global warming to idiots who think the scientists of the future will solve them akin to raping mother earth and giving her the equivilent to AIDS.

Western society doesnt seem to nurture intelligent/different children adults in the same way it dotes over atheletes, sports figures or other mainstream pursuits. School exams are becoming easier, people can just appear on reality TV shows and become instant celebreties with all the frills, sports prima donnas get paid millions for kicking a ball around a field, and greedy bankers get paid billions in bonuses despite crippling the country. We have the odd personality now and again such as Frank Whittle, Einstein, Charles Darwin or Carl Sagan, but even they had to do what they did mostly off their own back and fight to be accepted, appreciated and understood. I am not implying that I am in the same league as those individuals by any means but it is just an example. The mass desire for weath accumulation and greed is the root cause for most mental problems, alcoholism and other related issues, even if the individual affected has no desire for greed or power themselves, the by product from society will always filter down to them. It is no wonder there are so many outsiders with so much potential left standing still, not being able to decide what they want to do or become. Is it any wonder humanity, lacking a true philosophical insight, is on the verge of going backwards? Am I just a marxist in disguise?

Social misfits are seen as losers with no life, and should make more of an effort. That is a nasty, ignorant prejudice because it isnt my primary choice to be this way. It is a like the reverse of asking Forrest Gump, who isnt too bad socially to explain the general theory of relativity. Personally I just cant stop thinking, my brain never wants to switch off, whatever it may be doing. If I have issues with myself I cannot abandon it until the problem is solved, the fear is what if it is never solved? I am hoping us 'geeks' are becoming more accepted in the 21st century, and I hope the media propoganda that tells people to hate and be fearful of nerds, people with mental problems, and people who are different and misunderstood, becomes less potent. Alot of people follow the common group like pack hunters, why cant they form their own real opinions without just agreeing with everyone else? Especially when it is at other people's expense.

Why do people turn their noses up to others who are a bit knowledgable about cetain subjects? Are they fearful, jealous or dont they understand in the first place? To me it is no different to being racist. Is it any wonder people who are different in some shape or form end up feeling rather bitter and low in mood. I know my social intelligence has not developed as fast as my raw intelligence, if anything it hasnt really moved on since I was 10 years old. Is it this gap that makes me feel lost, which gives the impression of me just sleepwalking through life?

I am naturally aware of so much, yet blind to so much as well. It is the inner struggle and the vein attempt to bridge that gap. What if you can think about the future in probability terms, knowing exactly which option is less risky?
It’s not always an advantage: Fear can overtake you easily when you see people acting as if they were blind but without a stick!.

I believe myself as a rational thinker, but when it comes to my inner problems are my thoughts rational? I really cant tell, without knowing what goes on in other people's minds, as something to compare myself to. I am aware of many theories WHY I am like this (which could be AS, personality disorder, genetic makeup, life experiences, nurture etc). But piecing together HOW that has come about is like smashing my head against a brick wall. I cannot just leave it and accept I am 'how god made me' I have to know exactly why and how, there is never an easy answer for anything I experience I always believe there is something more than I can see, whether it is reading from a text book, trying to read a face, or playing a piece of music. Is this perfectionism, or a way of doubting myself when I think I dont understand something? In reality I understand it fully, but always think there is a catch, something else to it, resulting in a fragmented and confused persona, influencing other people's perception of me.

Waiting for nearly a year to go and see that specialist team really doesnt help matters either! Many simple issues combined creates a complex maze for my brain to try and find its way through, the term ignorance is bliss, whatever the subject might be, fills me with rage. Is it any wonder people use alcohol to slow these thought processes down to create a physical and as a by product, a psychological illusion of preventing a potential implosion? I say illusion because in reality although the complex web as a wholeis less obvious when under the influence, single aspects from that web that appear at random become all the more apparent, and a slippery slope is inevitable.

In reality im unhappy with the way things are at the moment. Many times ive heard the phrase do something about it, if only it was that simple. If I really havent got a clue how to go about it, as a result dont know exactly what I want. Is there a neurological reason for this, (executive function, AS, attention defecit problems) or a psychological reason (anxiety etc), or maybe both? The click of a finger really isnt going to work. Of course im being emo here, and over thinking the issue, other people have it alot worse, but this is a psychological thing that slowly eats away. It is a bit like a orangutan trying to survive in a disappearing jungle which eventually turns into a desert.

Yes I am on a journey of self discovery, but I am beginning to believe that alone isnt enough. I dislike the modern way of living and modern society. Excessive mental solitude provokes excessive thought, this current mindset is the end result.

The sad truth is that alot of the time 'being myself' alienates me even further. The broad issue is something beyond my control, and the 'answer' is dicovering the best way to try and adapt to it, but I think this adaption really does require a bit of external wisdom, not just spiritually, but also practical skills to go about things better. Because at the end of the day you cant fly a fighter plane perfectly first time if you havent been shown how (in terms of more effective coping measures that are related to AS). Ive spent far too long trying to figure things out on my own, I dont want to go any further due to the fear of creating a delusional perception of myself and other people. My opinions about society are very generalised, but are based on the information I have recieved through my life so far. I guess the lack of theory of mind, non verbal perception of others and empathy really do hamper things.

Not to mention the fact I wish there were more people on my level, especially women. Dont get me wrong online forums are a great way of exchanging thoughts, but to know people in person is another thing altogether. I am beginning to know who and what I am (sense of self) which has solved a past issue of knowing why things have come about, but in reality this has actually created a whole new issue. I know what I am, but how the hell do I expand this beyond my own cranium?! Other people seem to find it so easy, but then in the future will I have to bring my personal level down to something like awkward small talk and flutter my eye lashes, just to get noticed? I guess I am an idealist, creating a fantasy of wanting to meet the perfect person and live happy ever after.

So many people tell others what they want to hear, agreeing with them to please them, fearful of being their real self in case of rejection. You are not allowed to say this, do that, know about this or that, etc. I guess the point im trying to make is there is no way to win, and some people are destined, due to certain brain wiring in a certain environment, to be in limbo, ie if social/emotional and raw intelligence within a given individual are at opposite poles, there will always be struggle, despite being fully aware of this.

Are you what you think, or what you feel? or is it both? If it is both I have a severe problem because they are on different levels of efficiency for me. Is worrying at the expense of happiness inevitable for self aware logical thinkers who lack sophisticated emotional and social skills? I cannot 'feel' my way out of this hole like alot of people might do, I have to physically climb out of it, using a well structured technique. I could spend my whole life developing this technique, or I could be shown the technique and adapt it to suit my own needs.

One could sit there and hope to be lifted out of the hole if they shout for help, but what if nobody in close enough proximity can hear you, or understand what you are trying to say?

Incase anyone reading this blog is wondering what on earth im venting about, the following points regarding modern society cover the sources of my main issues:

* People who resort to ignorance and/or defy logic/wisdom before making an assumption.
* People who see excessive materialistic gain as their only goal in life.
* The stereotyping and purging of people who do not follow mainstream views.
* People who play off fear and use their power at the expense of others, for example religious preaching, egoism, bigotry and capitalism.
* People who are in denial about any of their shortcomings, especially when they hide it at the expense of others.
* People who 'judge a book by its cover' without even reading the introduction.
* People who are complacent and mentally lazy and do not make an attempt to understand or accept.

To branch off from my own personal problems and to move towards a more general viewpoin, it is logical to assume that the majority of people's problems do stem from the above in some shape or form. Of course it is an ambiguous list, but I believe it does cover all that is negative about modern society, although please dont think I am promoting liberal-esque political correctness here as I am not referring to undesirable comments made on TV by opinionated individuals, but more like ongoing actions lacking decorum that impact on other people's lives in a negative way.

So much energy is directed towards the image of the exterior of any given train of thought that we have become blind to what it is made of, whether it is society as a whole, individual human beings, or the planet we live on. If it looks 'right' then brilliant we will accept with open arms, and vice versa. That seems to be the attitude of human nature, and I am sick and tired of it. If we are living on borrowed time, maybe we need some kind of event to bring out the best of us, we seem to be too comfortable with our current mindset and way of life.

My mannerisms and reduced ability to interact socially/empathise in the usual way may have influenced my judgement, but everyone should be allowed to think and act how they like without living in fear of being ridiculed, or at the expense of other people. If I want to be 'weird' in the eyes of others (in other words be myself) why is that seen as negative, resulting in isolation and being shunned? Shouldnt we embrace individual and independant thought with open arms?

Also, my views against religion are strong, but I would never dictate to somebody how to live their life, unless that way of life was at the expense of others, for example when religion is brought into politics or used as an excuse to inflict harm. I agree with alot of the religious philosophy, minus anything that defies science. Love thy neighbour is a beautiful phrase, but it should be used in a logical context, in reality religion is more about psychology than physical fact, and I can see its appeal. If people could combine the best of both, and discard the outdated aspects like blind faith towards something that cannot be proved, (ie instead of convincing oneself that there is an imaginary being called god who has control over everything, use it as a metaphor for your own personal vision) the world would be a better place, we could understand more about each other from a physical and emotional/spiritual point of view, both being important to humanity's future, rather than sticking to rigid traditional writings when people were ignorant about science. I for one would rather shoot for philosophical wealth rather than materialistic. Knowledge is power, but I guess it is wishful thinking to believe that society would change for the better overnight. This blog does cover a few issues, and a result may appear slightly lacking in direction, but in terms of my own thoughts, and society as a whole, maybe that is exactly the point, a lack of direction.

Misunderstandings and social anxiety

Part of my social anxiety and being clueless when it involves people revolves around the follwing question: is it worth trying to relate or communicate when all that effort put towards stringing a sentence together is probably all for nothing? Not to mention the fear of the unknown, as unpredictability is virtually a dead cert when it comes to non verbal cues because people are not thinking the same thing as you or me (something I was totally oblivious to until a few months ago) but now being conciously aware of this, it sometimes makes the anxiety worse! I somtimes have the desire to live in denial and accept the consequences. Not so discouraging if I see a person regularly, the minefield is a little easier to pass through, but still laborious.

I believe the AS experts misunderstand as well (based on what i've seen, this opinion may change of course). An example is the tests where you look at photographs of people and/or their faces and/or their eyes and have a multiple choice of emotions to estimate what each person could be experiencing.

Complete tripe, in real life only a short glimpse of someone's facial expression is available, or even more demanding multiple facial expressions, on top of absoring the conversation and having to prepare your own response. It is a bit like having to process mental arithmatic at the same time as having a torch shining in your face, at the same time as stringing a potential conversation together. Unless you are a savant, mental arithmatic is seldom done *that* quickly.

Of course some sums are easier to work out than others. If you compare 100 x 2 to a smiling face, and 237 x 37.238 to a confused face, both can be worked out but obviously at different speeds, causing instability to the recepricol exchange. A smiley face can be picked up and put on almost instantly, to realise someone is confused may be totally bypassed. But stare at the confused face for a while and it will become clear in the end, but at that time the person may have called the police!

I may be wrong, the test procedures may be more sophisticated, and what I have said is based on what people have told me. My point is even informed people, if they dont have it wont have a clue what it is really like.

My reason for this thread is my recent meeting with my manager (who I informed that I have AS months ago) when he told me my body language was inappropiate in a meeting in a small room full of 20 strangers. He said that if I am ok in a small meeting with people I see every day then I should act the same in the meeting in a room...oh I just give up! Basically my point is if the other individual has not experienced it first hand then misunderstandings are inevitable.

The reason I was pissed off is because it is an insult to my intelligence. I am just as smart as him, probably even more, but he has a social knack with people either getting on with them or influencing them. My colleagues just said it is his indirect way of making sure we know who is boss and uses any situation as an excuse to impose, and everyone has had their fair share of it.

I have accepted this but it has highlighted how many times situations like this have happened in the past. I just get the impression that he sees me as someone who is simple with very little grey matter who can be manipulated at will. But then who can blame him when my verbal communication with him can be compared to that of an 11 year old. Then again that train of thought might be me resorting back to paranoia and assuming the worst from people I dont understand. It is a constant mental war of attrition! I am not as bad as I used to be but other people just act as a catalyst.

Having said that, just because AS is one of my primary topics of thought, doesnt mean it will be the same for him, and if I didnt make my point about the condition in the first place then how will someone even attempt to understand? I guess it is a two way scramble of communication, I havent got a clue how a NT subconciously reads people so how can I judge them for not understanding when they have something that is second nature? It is not as easy as pretending to be blind just by shutting your eyes. Think ill stop for breath, will add more to this in the near future when im in a better frame of mind.

The truth is I HATED being alone all the time when I was younger, but was socially oblivious, only wrapped up in my thoughts, not being able to ‘figure people out’. People made no sense to me and were entirely unpredictable, yet I longed to be normal. I spent long hours in bed at night thinking about my interests, but couldn’t find any way to make myself say hi to anybody. Then as time progressed I got more and more frustrated at my family and associates' inability to think as I thought, and my inability to act unreasonable as everyone else appeared to do.

the dreaded word

I don’t think I have ever told members of my family that I love them; I have never hugged anyone and felt comfortable about it, and I have never been in love with a woman. The reason is I don’t really know what it means or what it really entails. Of course I can consciously think of an explanation, such as to care about someone or a mutual attraction but why say something I don’t really understand? How am I supposed to act and what am I supposed to receive in return? The only two things I can think of are doing things for each other such as favours, and sharing common interests, but then that could apply to the average acquaintance.

I am 25 years old; I have never had a girlfriend as sad as it sounds to the NT. One could accuse me of being asexual or even homosexual, which is far from the truth. I have my fair share of lustful urges towards women like any other heterosexual man. I have had my fair of opportunities, I have talked to women and not got very far, a conversation would last about a minute and then the awkward silence would hit with a vengeance.

Of course you cannot miss something you have never had, but I would really like to know what I am missing, as everyone seems to base their whole life, decisions and cognition over it. As much as my life is based around routine and my interests, I do often ponder over what I could have, whether I am really human.

Of course I have emotions, but I am barely in touch with them or what they really are. It is a human desire to attract a mate/companion. I often picture my ideal companion as being exactly like me, just in female form, due to the fact I am unable to comprehend or appreciate any other way of thinking. This was and still is my perfect partner, as unrealistic as this, because perfection is impossible.

The word love and the concept in general scares me, it sends a shiver down my spine, to tell someone I love them is no more painful than trying to look someone in the eye whilst maintaining a conversation. Challenges and situations I have heard of in relationships are very scary, something I don’t think I could ever cope with, the fact that two people with mutual interests don’t get along, it goes against my beliefs, despite the contrary being true even in my own experiences.

I am not some cold inhuman robot who is about as charismatic as a cactus, I am eccentric, geekish, loyal, and very rational. There is just this invisible barrier, like a social exoskeleton, all scaled on the outside, but rather warm and soft on the inside. How is anyone meant to know if this sort of person is suitable for them if they cannot even see it?

I remember several times I have talked to girls, usually at a pub, they have approach me, for some reason I get bored with what they have to say, then afterwards when excuses have been made, I could spent a while just looking at them, this may seem very odd, but all I try to do is consciously work out their face, because I struggled so much to do it all at the same time when I had my opportunity. If I did this before the conversation ‘the eyeing up routine’ she would have probably slapped me or called the police!

Ive never approached a lady, call it shyness if you wish but if I dont have a clue what to say, dont have a clue as to who is interested and who isnt, and end up being overwhelmed by this scanning procedure, who can blame me for not trying? I could always go to everyone I see, either ask a corny catchphrase such as 'hi, where have you been all my life?' attempt to chat about the weather (which makes me feel dirty and just feels forced), or go straight in there and dictate facts about the general theory of relativity. None of those scenarios would logically work.

I know the feelings of attraction and longing, but it is always too late before I am really aware of them. I have passed the lust/shutdown/meltdown stage and life has moved on before I am aware of them.

With all these difficulties is it worth the extra mental effort to find out what love is? I guess family love can be shown in many different ways such as doing practical things for each other, but when it comes to attracting a mate, I am clueless. And if I ever did start a relationship, that demanding 24/7 being there for each other at the drop of a hat would destroy me. One may argue that I shouldn’t make such an assumption before it actually happens, but is that a risk worth taking? I would love to try it in moderation, but is that what the other person would want? How am I meant to tell if they would never say anything?

My whole mentality is based on rational thought, when emotions crop up this crumbles, with music being the one exception where emotion and my brain seem to have an understanding. People say that you don’t need a rational reason for everything in life, especially where relationships are involved but, at the very least, I would really like to hear a truly persuasive irrational reason!

My whole reasoning behind this 'in moderation' claim is the fact I have a young niece and a nephew, I go to see them a couple of times a week, which I really do enjoy, they are honest, simple and are really funny, no real conversation is needed, just have to throw soft toys at them! but I can only endure it for so long, or else I just shut down, same with conversations I have with people, then with hindsight I can reflect on what a good time I did have, but I cant make that judgement at the time. Can you imagine the emotional burden of a close partner or even having kids of my own, which would require nearly all of my attention, not to mention the net impact to myself and also to them having to deal with the 'hot and cold' levels of devotion. I can see the joy people get from children but without appearing selfish, the burden would be too much for me to handle, and I am guessing it would be the same with a close relationship, I supposed I value my mental freedom and also my internal routine too much.

In a survival situation I would be an asset to a potential mate, I have a fear for potential danger/predators, very alert physically (and mentally sometimes!), yet in this day and age we are meant to be all cosy and discuss feelings....

This may sound all gloom and doom but, I can hardly say I am severly depressed at the moment, never say never. What troubles me the most is that there could be noone else like me if the opportunity doesnt arise, but then if AS is genetic who would want their child to have such a condition, but then with the correct support from a young age, why should it be a curse when it could be a blessing? Pure speculation in this article, but realistic.

conformity

Something amazes me about society, how this invisible rulebook has to be followed in order to appear normal, get treated equally and avoid being shunned by the masses. We are always verbally encouraged to 'be ourselves' when infact the exact opposite is true. Whenever I be myself, I get called names, people snigger behind my back or even worse just go quiet when I enter the room. I always end up my own worst enemy, sabotaging my success with this self-loathing, being sensitive to criticism. I have the same right to life, liberty and pursuit of happiness as everyone else. I don't always seem to know what to do and say and what not to do in say in public, whether it's at work or school

The phrase 'cheer up it may never happen' may seem harmless enough, but if I want to sit down, stare into space with a blank face then that’s my choice. My mind is still happy, thoughts racing around about the cosmos and music, I don’t have time to form a happy face in order to conform! If I was to force a happy face my mind would go blank, just as it would if I was trying to work out someone else's facial expression.

There's a tangible peer pressure, a kind of nationalistic bullying to toe the line. In other words - get that new car on credit, get your large widescreen TV, dress correctly (that is, suitably edgy and with the right labels), have a suitable number of nights out with friends and then, and only then, are you a suitable mate, and the real life can begin...to hell with that.

Either that, or i'm just sick and tired of shallow British girls...I don't have it in me to plough most of my disposible income into 'looking the part'...a trait that sees you left behind in the UK of today, and get accused of being homosexual.

A colleague has reminded me time and time again that a man of my age should be going to night clubs, pulling birds and getting wasted. I get asked if I have a girlfriend yet, I have been asked when I’m going to finally get a driving license. Who the hell said there is a time schedule, let alone if it has to be done in the first place. Procrastination is one thing, shyness is another, but not wanting to conform is totally different. Sexual desires aside, if I actually knew how to socialise with women, do all the eye to eye gaze and small talk rituals, if I didn’t get overloaded by constant background noise, and if I didn’t feel as though my personal space is constantly invaded, and if I lacked morals, then sure id go out on the pull in nightclubs. A man cannot drive a car with his eyes closed, unless he is told exactly when to steer, apply the throttle, brake and indicate at every given moment that it is required. Even if he learnt when and where to do all these functions for a given journey, what if a deer ran out onto the road, what if he needed to use a different road one day?

I can talk about my interests like a never ending machine, got ridiculed for it many times. So what else is there for me to discuss with people? The weather? What I had for dinner the previous night? What benefit would that actually give my brain? Small talk is known as the oil that lubricates the wheels of social interaction. I am baffled, how can talking about your dinner enhance your social status? Surely the majority of mankind can see past the shallows? Why are people afraid of the deep end? I am an all or nothing kind of guy, my conversations tend to be non existent, or an in depth discussion about a worthwhile topic. It depresses me as to why people are afraid of this. Surely this is substance over style? But maybe that is exactly the point; do people prefer the easy option? It might be more difficult to break the threshold with people who are wired to be weird, but if only I could advertise the benefits without having to feel overwhelmed, cheap, exhausted and dirty.

My sister once reassured me that odd people are far more interesting, if that is the case then why do weird/eccentric/odd people remain on the outskirts of the social world? Why do they never get a shot? There is a rulebook that most people are given as a birthright. Some people such as me are denied it. This subconscious book has programmed people to be able to pick up body language, and facial expression as though it is a sixth sense. The eyes can be seen as a window to the soul, another mind and soul can be understood, probed, manipulated, loved and hated.

What rulebook was I given then? I look into someone's eyes or look at someone's face and it feels like I am looking at nuclear fusion. I try to understand another point of view and it feels like I am taking mental cyanide. I try to be like others, and I end up feeling exhausted, frustrated and need time to cool down. But then how come all I think about is the cosmos, music, motorbikes and ww1&ww2, mentally picturing scenarios, with a melody and/or rhythm in my head. This book must have a different author; it told me all those years ago to understand logic, systematic processes. It told me to automatically pick up music, have perfect pitch, and be aware of things that really matter. My brain has its own priorities. Are they superior? I am not one to answer.

At the end of the day does being a geek with intense interests who is prepared to live life his unique own way deserve the punishment it brings? There is no blame to be put on individuals, just frustration towards this invisible impenetrable wall that doesn’t allow the required two way mental passage. I would never throw away the book I have given, but I would love to borrow the other one for a day, just to see what it is all about.

geekazoid

On first viewing my special interests would appear broad. They wax and wane in magnitude, but never truly disappear even if the empowering desire for a particular subject dissipates. They dictate introspection and anticipation, fuelling a dream-like state of being compared to daily living. I have several augmenting long term interests that I alternate between at the moment, but never more than 1 or 2 at any given time. I will jump from interest to interest within a circle of interests which can last a day or several months, it will last as long as my attention span (which can be incredibly erratic) allows it to. The topics in question are as such that I am able to endorse an interest despite getting a bit bored of a specific subject within it.

The ongoing broad topics will always exist, but during a state of captivation, it will be an interest within an interest occupying a single minded fascination, which can incorporate the T34 tank from world war two, the planet mars, saxophones, the Ducati 916, the moon, trenches of world war one, organ music, and afterwards the general theory of relativity. During conversation I can dictate facts from these topics with robotic utterance, only displaying the facts which are subconsciously engrossing to me, possibly missing out imperative information with my focus being on specific moments in history, objects or statistics/literature.

I can research and expose myself heavily to the point of mental fatigue, then move to the next project, one at a time. The trigger can be a television documentary, conversation, picture, sound, dream or related experience. I can either follow an obsession to the end or snap out of it and move straight onto the next one, depending on the previously stated provocation.

Currently music, astronomy and motorcycles are my main interests with an immeasurable desire to obtain information and knowledge like an intellectual urge, providing me with a mental rush, allowing me to filter out the random chaos created by people and society. My brain has requirements for different types of knowledge which can be broken down into sensory, factual and experience. Some interests cover several avenues of knowledge in this respect, others may only cover one.

They can also be divided into primary and secondary interests. Primary interests presently dominate my psyche, secondary interests used to be primary but are their intensity is limited unless exposed directly to a trigger, for example viewing a large oak tree and in turn causing a temporary but primary condition.

On the contrary to stereotype, I am not a complete expert at any one of my interests, more like a jack of several trades, good at many, master at none. But still, I am far more knowledgeable than the average Joe about the topics in question, and I know deep down if I had the attention span to concentrate on one or two, discarding the others; I probably would become a master. I am impulsive in my intellectual feeding frenzies, when my brain is in awe as a consequence of being exposed to a trigger, everything else is insignificant. As mentioned before the different interests satisfy different areas of knowledge and below is a summary of my special interests as far back as memory allows. A percentage score has been included to reflect how much each type of input is satisfied. I have an inflated drive for factual consumption, certain types of sensory input and a personal paradigm of experience appropriate for my needs.

Sierra cosworths Sensory 15%, Factual 60% Experience 25%

This started when I was around 7-8 years old. My father had a Ford Sierra saloon, and he once took me to a rally meeting. I believe the first car I saw there was a shell oil sponsored sierra, and it was that first visual experience which was the trigger.

I bought two toy models with pocket money and I would bring them into school and play with them in the playground mostly on my own, but sometimes I would play this game in the schoolyard called ‘the parking game’ it became a routine every lunchtime and then a couple of other kids asked to join in. We used to roll them down a gentle gradient and the ones that got the closest to a fixed point won. I would experiment by adding weight for extra momentum, and putting blue tack on the rear axel to slow it down. I would pressure my mum to go to retail outlets to see if they had new toy sierra cosworths, most of the time they didn’t.

I used to have knowledge about the engine capacity, top speed; amongst other useless facts and figures about them I still have those two cars, in a sorry state regarding the paintwork but a sacred part of my innocent youth. It was the shape; combined with that initial exposure to that rally car, combined with the fact my dad had a saloon version which sustained the obsession. Soon after he discarded it for a new car the obsession disappeared.
Astronomy/cosmology Sensory 20%, Factual 70% Experience 10%

I was around 10 years old when this fascination arose, I fail to remember why it began, but possibly it was when I first saw my grandfather’s old pair of binoculars. I used to read many books by Patrick Moore and my teacher was taken aback when we did a class topic on space. I used to explain to her facts about who designed the V2 rocket, the first man in space, what powered the sun, the distance of the earth from the sun and how far the moon was from the earth. I was knowledgeable about the planets regarding their order, size and number of moons. I also knew what a black hole was. Most of these facts she didn’t even know! The school library only contained two books about space which the whole class had to share, but I had around 10-15 in my collection and brought them all in.

This fascination faded to a secondary interest over the next decade. It has come back with a vengeance recently, with subjects such as atheism, evolution of life, string theory and general theory relativity becoming a huge part of it as well. I’m a big fan of the late astronomer Carl Sagan and his works, which tie in perfectly with this fascination.

I can be engrossed in literature, view documentaries (factual) or just sit there and gaze at the stars (sensory & experience). Always something new to learn.

Nintendo 64 Sensory 0%, Factual 10% Experience 90%

I was the only one in my class who owned this video game console, everyone else had a Sony Playstation, spent most of my spare time at secondary school playing on this, and became rather skilful on many of the games, to other people's annoyance, it became the basis of my life during sixth form, as well as weight training.

Trees Sensory 50%, Factual 20% Experience 30%

This one didn’t last long, I had a dream a few years ago which I remember quite vividly based on the video game Donkey Kong Country. I was living in a tree house based community; we never touched the ground, living exclusively in the treetops. I then started reading about trees, saw a picture of the general Sherman redwood tree in America, the most massive organism in the world, and was amazed. It was only specific species of tree that I became interested in, this was almost entirely based on their appearance. The shape of Redwood, Oak, Ash, horse chestnut and bonsai trees will never leave my mind, the shape of the leaves, the texture of the trunk, the way they grow to receive more light depending on their surroundings. These aspects fascinated me more than the scientific details, hence why sensory and experience both score quite high.

I naively chose to do a Higher National Diploma on countryside management because I believed I would be in contact with more trees. Sadly this course was mostly theoretical causing me to become disinterested, realising I was just obsessed with observing them, admiring their predictable static form, the patterns, the curves and in awe of their age. I still admire old trees, but I am not transfixed like previously. I will still stop for a few minutes to observe an ancient oak and zone in on its details. I do have a huge concern about the destruction of ancient woodland and the rainforest, like a subconscious hardwiring that occurred during this phase. A horse chestnut tree got chopped down last year at a local park, and I was incredibly distressed when I saw the stump.

Weight training/nutrition Sensory 5%, Factual 35% Experience 60%

This was definitely an obsession rather than a fascination; it developed during my response to teasing, to be strong enough to stand up to them physically. As it developed onwards, I become aware that this could be the ultimate source of routine. I could plan the times of my workout, what I exercises I do every day, how many repetitions and how many sets I do for each exercise. I had a notebook with each two hour workout; I timed myself doing each exercise within a set time, having a specific order. If someone was using the equipment I was planning to use next, I would attempt to take it in turns, or just use passive aggressive influence to get them to hurry up, such as standing next to the machine huffing and puffing. When I used to skip classes during college I would go to the gym or my bedroom for a workout.

I did 5 workouts per week which lasted roughly ninety minutes; the endorphin rush afterwards was quite pleasant. I ended up seventeen stone with 15% body fat (I am now twelve stone and ten pounds, with a slight beer gut). My diet became very strict; I planned to consume certain foods at certain times of the day, with an incredibly disciplined balance of nutrition. This sense of routine and personal discipline made me feel safe and healthy which helped me stay mentally stable proving a solution to my other problems, like a personal sanctuary shielding me from the unpredictable outside world whilst releasing my anger. I still do weights but only three 30 minute sessions a week, just to stick to a routine as that is something I need. My diet is still bland and systematic as I eat exactly the same food at exactly the same time every single day, just less excessive, although I will eat my mums cooking on Christmas day.

Motorcycles Sensory 30%, Factual 20% Experience 50%

This started when I was in need of transportation and eventually became obsessed with classic British motorcycles. The following passage describes my riding experience from my perspective:

She stood in the darkened alleyway, with just the ethereal glow of a sodium street lamp casting rippling highlights across her projection. I reached out with trembling hands. She was still warm, inviting… I straddled her, whispered how much I needed her today, and how I was going to ride her. So saying, I couldn't contain my libido any more; fingers shaking, I guided them to my pocket and extracted the precautionary measure; then I arched over her and inserted my ignition key. She resisted, she grumbled but eventually spluttered into life.

When riding I am completely in contact with it all...the process and experience of riding, and the environment of the road, and the beautiful scenery engulfs the senses, and the need for constant awareness fills the mind, blocking out all the stresses and strains of modern life, a passing glimpse of nature by direct experience that no routine car journey can ever provide.

With the throttle screwed on there is only the barest margin, and no room at all for mistakes... then the music starts, fear becomes exhilaration, the only sounds are the wind and the roar floating back from the exhausts, filling every possible sensory part of my body. Riding is tiring, exhilarating, adventurous, and sensual, accidents happen, and it has its ups and downs. Am I substituting a human being for a motorcycle?

There are some motorcycles I cannot stand, (overweight Harley Davidson’s and screaming inline four bikes, the most popular genres just don’t appeal to me, just like the majority of people don’t appeal to me, only a select few I choose to admire, they have to display the correct character, charm, shape, sound and soul.

World wars 1 & 2 Sensory 25%, Factual 70% Experience 5%

I think it was the TV comedy black adder goes forth that was based in the trenches of WW1 that started my fascination, and then from then on world war two. I tend not to be too fascinated in the general history, although I am aware of a lot of the facts. Regarding the First World War I am just fascinated by the method of trench warfare, particularly the battle of the Somme and do a lot of research into the concept when my brain decides it is ‘in the zone’. Regarding world war two I am fascinated by certain battles and machines (particularly the T34 & tiger tanks, the spitfire and the mustang for their shape, sound and importance, I have seen them in action and the sound, sight, shape and smell all have an effect). I often ponder on what it would be like to be on the battlefield during that specific time period, visualising and acting out battles in my head using those machines in question, not that I would want to be there for real of course. This is now a secondary interest.

Psychology Sensory 5%, Factual 40% Experience 55%

After bad experiences involving associates just over a year ago, I was beginning to question why I behave so differently to peers and unable to ‘fit in’. I conducted research into learning, anxiety and behavioral problems and came across Asperger’s Syndrome. I researched, and considered other psychological conditions such as the various personality disorders, but the original theory stood its ground. When I was at a low point after yet another misunderstanding a few months ago, I realised I needed to know for definite.

Ever since I have been reading forums, books and other online articles, allowing me to relate to their content almost perfectly, it has allowed me to perform a self diagnosis literally because it makes so much sense. The experience percentage is high simply because I am certain I have a condition and experience it in real-time. In the future I want to interact with other people sharing this condition, to learn further and appreciate the fact I am not alone. These factors alone have provided that drive which in turn has imprinted on my brain. After my necessary research this has now become a secondary interest, but I have been left aware of many aspects of psychology and will passively seek to further my knowledge where possible.

Music Sensory 65%, Factual 5% Experience 30%

This my main interest sharing top spot with astronomy for several different reasons, as mentioned in another article titled ‘what makes my brain tick’

I took up the Cello was I was 7 years old as a curiosity. As time passed and with my parent's support I completed several exams in musical theory and practice. When I was 15 and after years of ridicule from some of the popular kids at secondary school I decided I wanted to learn percussion instead. At the time I wanted something to hit in order to release frustration, and eventually it totally replaced the Cello, which I eventually gave up. I was asked to join a band after my sister told them how good I was, but after several misunderstandings and miscommunications I was told to leave; I lost confidence in my ability and gave up after a 4 year spurt.

Eventually I just sat around on my bed plucking away at my sister’s spare bass guitar. I realised actually I am rather skilful at this, being the perfect blend between the musicianship of the Cello and the rhythmic dynamics of percussion. In effect it was as though I had been playing this instrument for at least 10 years, with just the technical side to perfect. When my sister left a covers band and I was asked to join, they were amazed at my ability. People ask me how long I have been playing and they accuse me of lying to them. I enjoy playing the bass guitar with the band I am in, but it isn’t as dynamic an instrument on its own, hence why I am about to take up the saxophone, partly because I am transfixed by the sound. I am able to mentally practice musical instruments, visualising which notes/strings I am producing in conjunction to the fret board, figuring out a whole song just in my head. I have a perfect sense of rhythm and perfect pitch as well, being able to whistle any note I am asked (being unable to sing).

In terms of musical consumption, my perception is rather different to most people. I can listen to a piece of music on a loop over an extended time period, but boredom will never arise because every time I listen it is different experience. Blues, jazz, prog rock, metal, new age and classical can all massage my psyche in ways which many people couldn’t comprehend. I constantly have music in my head; there is never a point in my conscious being where music fails to be there. I have also been collecting vinyls after the past few years (I got bored of collecting postcards and needed a new challenge).

People call me ignorant and arrogant when I claim to be a musical nut despite not being aware of half the bands they have. Try living in my world where even half of those bands are not required when a song can be improvised or created just using your own mind, or experience totally different form of sensory and emotional stimulation after each listen. I can cry, I can have a mental orgasm, and experience huge tingling rush down my spine, limbs and face all at the same time. If I wasn’t a dreadful procrastinator there is every chance I could have made career out of it.

To conclude this interest, my obsession with genres can alternate as well, I used to be transfixed with thrash metal, the aggression really coincided with frustration towards many people, I collected relevant vinyl’s, putting them in order of date released, although now they are in order of album title. I am definitely mellower now; music constantly defines my sense of being and my state of mind and long may it continue.

People people people

I’m a moaning sod today so I will just come out with it, people ANNOY me.

Listed below are characteristics of alot people that I have to deal with every day, some characteristics are unintentional and they probably don’t mean it but it still wears me out. I’m totally generalising here based on my own experiences, but still here goes:

- People who ignore you - They don’t return messages for days, don’t have the guts to tell you the truth, don’t realise there are people who do give a damn about them, priorities appear to lie elsewhere.

- People who stick their nose in - I have nothing to say here, it just bothers me like hell.

- People who like winding others up - I see this as a lack of dignity on their part, trying to transfer it to the next victim. Shallow at best.

- People who live for nothing but small talk and consumerism - All they seem to thrive on in life is reality TV shows, soap opera's, their domestic life, what they are eating for dinner, rave about their new microwave, throw perfectly good items and food away, appear to obsess about what other people eat for dinner and watch on TV. Don’t people want to use their brain for once?

- People who enforce the social laws - These are the sort that assume a man is gay because he doesn’t have a girlfriend, give someone a dirty look if they dont wear the social uniform. 'Gee this guy has long hair, wears glasses and has a goatee beard, better stay away from him then.' Those who ask why I never go to night clubs, people who tell you to get a life when you talk about your interests.

- People who think they are funny - Go on about things that happen in their life, and expect other people to think it is amusing. Expect you to follow their sense of humour. On the flip side few people understand my humour but I accept that I am an acquired taste, more substance than style.

- Bullies - Speaks for itself, bullying is one of the most disgusting forms of mental torture one can endure. It can take many shapes or forms but the consequences are always dire.

- People who don’t use their brain - If it wasn’t for people who use their brain we would still be sitting in a cave chatting about the weather. People eat their food, watch their TV, totally ignorant to how it ended up on their plate or in their living room all they talk about is how it doesn’t taste as good as it did yesterday or how they get upset when a Soap opera character dies. Humanity may be seen as intelligent, but only a small percentage. This is more of an attack on society as it stands today rather than individuals themselves. But people don’t do themselves any favours. Humanity isn’t doing itself any favours at this rate. 9 Billion People on this planet in a few decades? Heaven forbid.

- People who talk loudly, and shout alot - Why does one need to raise their voice over everyone else? It just makes them appear arrogant, aggressive and possibly not very nice. But it is us quiet guys with more integrity who end up alone. Why does conflict always end up in a raised temper? I for one hate being shouted at, more than just an ego thing, it rips through my senses like a dagger in my heart.

- People who appear to mean well - May say cheer up, oh bless you when I talk about my concerns about the rainforest, then they ask me if I have watched I’m a celebrity in the jungle get me out of here. Frustrating as hell. They appear to understand a point you make to them which took a great effort from yourself, but then go on about their makeup and hairdo a minute later.

- Hypocrites/liars - Tell you something or agree with something, and do or say another. Be your buddy to your face, spread lies and rumours behind your back. If you don’t want to do what I suggested just tell me otherwise I will get the hump!

- Criminals - Speaks for itself.

- Religious people - To be more specific people who don’t have any intellectual integrity. Science is avoided because it takes effort to understand. Fear of the unknown, fear of the awe and beauty of the mysterious cosmos. To believe a book written when the believed the earth was flat is insane. Nothing wrong with faith in certain respects but let’s have a bit of perspective here! Having said that I don’t have anything against alot of the older generation like my grandpa who are set in their ways because that is all they have ever known.

These are generalised views, and of course I could be alot more specific and please don’t think badly of me if you have any of these traits, I’m pretty sure nearly everyone has at least one of them (probably even me) and I’m not exactly about to go out on a social purging spree! Because my brain works the way it does, this blog just gives an introduction as to what I have to face and process every day. I just don’t understand why people behave and think in certain ways; whether that is a good or a bad thing I will never know. My mind is incredibly one tracked everything that happens in my life has to be planned, and when people, unpredictable that they are, get in the way of that I get distressed and feel hopeless/empty/frustrated.

Aspergers Sydnrome

Listed below are traits relating to asperger’s syndrome, supplemented with a personal description as far as my memory will allow. My long term memory is commendable, allowing me to remember as far back as junior school. I have spent a substantial amount of time concluding how and why I believe Asperger’s Syndrome has affected me. It is an arduous process trying to compare it to anything else, as this is the way I am and unable to grasp any other way, despite trying. I have included a few selected examples, but please be aware these are only a fraction of the number.

It is as though sections of my neocortex are attempting in vain to compensate for missing or crossed wires, adopting a task which goes beyond their parameters, i.e. processing emotions. The result can be mental fatigue, and possibly portraying a hebetudinous posture, when infact my brain is just working harder than it should, affecting mood, short term memory and ability to multi task. The relief when I am not emotional or in contact with emotional people can be compared to taking mental amphetamines.

Being unable to understand other people's thoughts, motives and behaviours, and being accused of selfishness for failing to consider other people's feelings, is frustrating, as I am not aware of my unbecoming approach. Similarly I become impatient when others lack predictability.

I have had epilepsy ever since I was a few months old, although under control now. The seizures were quite severe when I was a toddler and doctors informed my mother the chances of developing a learning disability were high, which I guess is partially true emotionally and socially speaking, although at the moment I refrain from the possibility of this being the cause, as this cannot be proved.

• Are often bullied in school – Victim of name calling, and was taken advantage of recently. Seems mildly trivial compared to what others are exposed to, but I believe asperger’s syndrome increased my vulnerability, taking their comments too literally. I have memories of other children sniggering, querying what I was doing in the top classes when I appeared such a 'thicko', possibly due to poor executive function, hence being unable keep up with the rest of the class, possibly as a result of teaching style, despite comprehending everything. Many teachers were perplexed when receiving my high SAT exam results, especially when I was in the top 3 for the whole year in science and mathematics when I was 14. The same goes for GCSE mock exam results, which failed to coincide with under performance during the year.

• Have trouble making friends – Able to approach people when special interests are involved, with a slight sense of haughtiness, believing people who share them must think exactly the same way about anything. Otherwise I am hampered by limited social knowledge/initiative to interact any further, causing me to reluctantly resist the rudimentary steps, however undesirable that approach is. I never had a large circle of friends/associates at school (2-3 during a given time period, emotional interaction was scarce, and felt incredibly uncomfortable if the dialect was beyond a one to one exchange). Non-verbal interaction never arose as it mainly involved interests in cars, computers, and playing chess. Friendships/associations usually emerged through my mother introducing us as a result of her own social life involving their parents. I don’t believe it was the person inside drawing me in, more the hope that they might be knowledgeable about a particular area of interest. My brain prioritises lust for information over social intuition. I am either too distant or too intense, and altruism does not come naturally, even if I desire deep down to be more gregarious.

• A very quiet voice – People more than often request that I raise my voice, or ask me to repeat my recent peroration, despite hearing myself perfectly, causing frustration as my sensitive hearing means the internal volume is constantly inflated, which relates to my annoyance towards innumerable random noises. When I hear recordings of myself from childhood or adolescence, my intonation appears significantly different to others in terms of prosody and volume.

• May be sensitive to touch or random noises – Could never and still cannot tolerate loud chewing or breathing, random background noise for example several conversations or thumping music in background, I can be driven to distraction. My tolerance threshold within loud public places is low unless I am there to view a band with only a single sound source. I have a high detection of stimuli (especially aural) to steal my attention which is why I have found it difficult to concentrate in classes at school and at work and being unable to sleep or focus on tasks unless I wear ear plugs.

• May be clumsy – Was substandard during physical education at school, being the last to be picked for team games. I am always correctly being accused of clumsiness, with a reoccurring habit of knocking over cups of coffee at work. Have to be told that I have made a mess otherwise I am oblivious to it.

• Can take things too literally - During English class when I was about 12 or 13, the class was given the task of producing an essay regarding the differences between tabloid and broadsheet newspapers. For the majority of my essay I wrote address details regarding my paper round, the difficulty of pushing broad sheet news papers through a letter box, not to mention the broadsheet impact on trees for using excessive paper. This is the earliest I can remember, amongst others. A recent example was taking ambiguous text on an insurance document too literally, which resulted in a magistrate’s court appearance for driving without insurance despite having a comprehensive policy. This is on top of banter which I really struggle with.

• May have trouble understanding other people's emotions – Due to Alexithymia-esque characteristics I cannot forebode emotions, especially in an unfamiliar or unpredictable situation which requires at least basic intuition. I can understand intellectually if in black and white and given adequate time to work it out by comparing to situations I may have been in. Individual's moods/prosody can affect me maladroitly, which was an issue at school, and is a huge issue at home and at work. Failed to pick up cues in the past from women, presupposing the notion that they were acting weird, as I was oblivious to their hints. Limited adroitness when striving to understand my own emotions, requiring excessive cognitive effort to apprehend what emotion I am experiencing or have experienced in the past. This has often resulted in meltdown or shutdown when the emotion is not profound. My childhood/teenage years were spent initially oblivious to them and eventually internalising them.

I fail to believe that I have really made a true 'emotional' connection with anyone, or at the very least barely realising it. Regarding family, the concept 'emotional connection' hasn’t really emerged until recently; rather I believed that we do practical things for each other to show we care. It is obvious a smile could portray happiness, but I have recently learnt that there is a variation of smiles, resulting in a failed attempt to determine them. When I observe a face, a checklist procedure has to be carried out: are they happy? No. Are they sad? No. Are they bored? No. Are they angry, No. Going through the list can be more stressful than any benefit it would provide, especially when nothing is achieved. Having said that it is alot easier doing this whilst watching people on television due to the generous amount of time allowed for study and lack of distraction.

• Poor at multi tasking - I cannot easily comprehend anything else whilst performing a current task either at work or at home. For example being rude to someone who is attempting to communicate with me whilst I am watching a documentary, one example among many. When doing a task at work I get frustrated when asked to put it aside to do something else, which I internalise. I cannot join a conversation or help anyone if my mind is fixed on something else. I believe my executive functioning skills are mediocre.

• Do not like changes in school, work, and home life routines – I must turn up for work exactly at 9am and leave exactly at 5pm, to the second, and experience difficulties working in other offices when occasionally when requested by my boss, otherwise I feel very anxious. I consume exactly the same food daily, at virtually identical times. I can become agitated if disturbed when my mind is fixed on a task, ranging from watching a documentary, executing a task at work or absorbing information from a book. My mind has to know in advance what it will be exposed to regarding any potential situation, otherwise anxiety prevails. The words maybe and possibly are personal irritations.

• Have a strong interest – Interests dominate my thoughts, feelings, desirable conversations and behaviour. Anything else I am obliged to think about is a burden, the intensity of this increase in times of anxiety. See the ‘special interests’ article for further details.

• Have difficulty reading the sounds of people’s voices – Interlocution is bothersome and awkward with prolonged silences. My boss has told me about my phone manner. I find conversations with strangers and even people I know rather awkward and people with unpredictable or extreme tone of voice are difficult to converse with or reason with, as overwhelming confusion can influence my logical thought.



• Get confused if a person's body language and words don't say the same thing – Multiple and conflicting signs counteract my one tracked mind, providing my brain with excessive stimulus to process, mind blindness the net result. Conversations with less familiar people will dry up apparently due to a 'need' for an exchange of non verbal cues. Eye contact isn’t essential with familiar people because they are used to my mannerisms. Eye contact feels exactly like staring into the sun regardless of who it is, it can be my mother, dad, sister, boss, anyone. Even more so when I am preoccupied and cannot make a conscious effort towards studying a face.

• Feel lonely and unwanted – Not because I am alone but more the fact that believe I am ineffective in the art of giving and receiving expression and points of view from other people, like firing social blanks. Misunderstandings with family members and the few friends/associates I do have are frequent, even more so with the involvement of voice tone and facial expression. During secondary school 6th form and college I was usually left in the form room alone during lunchtimes, or alternatively I hid in the toilets. Everyone else had each other for company. I didn’t know how to explain my inner turmoil to my parents. It arrived during secondary school when the social world properly arrived, and things may have appeared quite normal to them. Their only knowledge regarding the extent of this was in May 2008, although it started roughly 15 years before that. I could attempt to copy what other kids did but was never fulfilled. I required solitude in order to recharge, and is probably why I spent many lunch times alone. I seemed to have more enemies than friends, for no apparent reason, a concept which appeared true until this point.

• Like doing or saying the same thing over and over again – Immense difficulty when obliged to converse, with reliance upon pre rehearsed phrases, facts and figures. The same film, piece of music, and factual conversation can be ritualised, over and over again, which has been commented on. The consequence is frustration when I am unable to understand why they see it as weird, I love to talk about my interests. A ritualistic game called the parking game used to be performed to excess at junior school. Weight training was carried out to excess with its incredibly repetitive philosophy being the main appeal.

• Not know that another person is upset or annoyed, until the other person shows it clearly – Limited emotional understanding requires black and white facts. Incompetence can overrule my understanding of, picking up on or acting upon other people's emotions unless they are verbally explained to me. A physical display would require an extreme and prolonged procedure for me to fully pick up on it because subtleties are frustrating.

• Not know if a person is joking or not. They have difficulty understanding if someone is using irony, sarcasm, or slang, or if they really mean it – A joke can be understood if clearly stated beforehand that a joke is about to occur, for example on a television show like the Simpson’s. Sarcasm provides an equivocal state of mind because I cannot tell if they are being sarcastic or if they are telling the truth despite understanding both sides, but I cannot make a decision. I can perform sarcasm myself, simply because I am the one carrying it out.

• Not understand the interests of other people or why other people do the things that they do - My mind is one tracked, believing everyone thinks like I do, hence making false assumptions at school, only recently I was told otherwise. That mindset promptly dissolved, as I can snap out of undesirable habits using brute force conscious thought once I am enlightened. I struggle to understand alternative opinions hence people implying that I am selfish and self centred, increasing my frustration as I take those comments personally, not understanding why. Conversations with strangers or people I don’t too well feel forced, unable to adequately read a face, process thoughts/emotions and implement my own facial expression within a corresponding time interval. Any of these must happen separately, so speaking involves looking away, causing an awkward scenario with people I attempt to interact with or vice versa. Even more so when I became more aware of the wider world. Arguments can arise with people who conflict my point of view which I believe is perfectly rational and logical, but they fail to realise. The same could possibly be said from an opposite angle when I attempt to understand people and I don’t 'get them'.

• Have or had nervous tics in the past – Used to twitch my head during junior school, moving onto screwing my face up which I still often do. I currently tap my fingers like playing the drums, tap my teeth together and subconsciously shake my leg or foot. I chew my finger nails and the inside of my mouth to the point of drawing blood, a habit since junior school. I tend to notice merely when it is pointed out, and only recently because my consciousness has been raised towards it. I can physically channel anxiety leading to a release, which provides a soothing ambience.

• Have ability to see and remember the details of things that other people miss – At work I constantly spell out to engineers certain methods of improvement, I remember facts and conversations from the past that people fail to remember. At Junior's school I correctly told other children, alas without malicious intent, they were failing to do their mathematics correctly which I got disciplined for. I still remember pin numbers given to me by associates several years ago. Thinking in pictures and applying the words accordingly supplements my long term memory giving the impression of daydreaming. I have detailed obsessions within my special interests i.e. the Russian T34 tank of WW2. My mind plays back images like a video recorder. I can produce a mental illustration of tank battles, rocket launches, playing the Cello note for note when I hear classical music.

• Be very good at remembering rules, laws, systems and important facts. This is useful in many types of work – We follow a standard procedure at work, if engineers break from this I must tell them otherwise, becoming angry if this is ignored. When I know for definite somebody is telling me something incorrect I have to bluntly make it clear. I can do that even if I am not originally involved in the discussion/scenario.

• Be better at writing than at talking to people, because they are careful to choose words that mean exactly what they want to say – I like taking my time over things that matter especially expressing my inner thoughts. I can perfect what I can say in the future, it gives a partial remedy to my poor short term memory when using given a base point of reference where conversational skills are not needed. I am not an articulate genius, but writing helps to guide visualisation which in itself is the ultimate way to grasp a concept. Despite that I have a habit of rushing through things whilst under pressure or exposed to external stimuli, like at work or school. The energy that goes into the give and take of verbal intercourse distracts me from saying what I intended to.

• Enjoy doing the same thing many times over, which most people find boring – I listen to one piece of music over and over again for extended periods of time, taking a completely different slant from every juncture. I used to continuously watch the same films during 6th form, and read the same space books at junior school in a ritualistic fashion.

• Many people with Asperger’s Syndrome are good at practicing scales on the piano, at adding up long sums, and at searching through books and papers to find information and mistakes – I become transfixed when researching interests and enjoy practicing invariable pieces of music on my bass guitar, especially blues scales. As mentioned previously I can read a book over and over again.

Arguments opposing a diagnosis of asperger’s syndrome, and counter arguments to reinforce my claim using a process called critical thinking (which involves the notion of considering both sides of an argument but the side with the most rational body of evidence reigns supreme).

• It could be just a personality disorder based on experiences at school – My mother has stated multiple situations that hint towards asperger’s-like behaviour for example running away on my first day at school, pointing out capital cities and countries from around the world before I could walk. What explains my lifelong fascinations? Why have I always opposed a lack of routine as far as my memory permits? School and my childhood were abundant with routine, so the issue never became apparent. It was during 6th form when weight training began, satisfying my needs during that particular time. The argument towards the case transpires because more questions crop up during the counter claim, which can be answered by the original claim. Also, a psychologist has explained with confidence after analysis that the chances of me having personality disorder are slim, partly because a rational attempt is being made to draw a valid conclusion, and partly due to her judgement based on experience. When emotions are not involved, rationality is virtue I can capitalise with ease. Avoidant personality disorder was suggested previous to this, although I do attempt to interact with people I know in the only way I know how, despite the awkwardness.

• Cannot recall enough of my childhood to be absolutely sure and why was nothing ever picked up? - Alot of my childhood within the family circle was quite normal, being relatively content. There was abundant routine, we went swimming every Saturday at half five, had certain meals on fixed days of the week at virtually the same time (half five) and obviously the school day did not have an ambiguous time structure. I even played on video games with my cousins, although that initial interaction is not needed with family, because you cannot choose them. Despite that, all I would ever do with my cousins would be to play video games, I was not overly aware of them as 'sentient beings' so to speak; I just wanted to reign supreme at super Mario kart. My awareness of sophisticated social activity remained secluded until sixth form. My substandard level of social recognition remained with me from Junior School in stasis until that point, progressing only a very small amount since due to my consciously driven perception. During that period I realised I was severely falling behind, being accustomed to providing my own entertainment inside school and college where introspection never became an issue. Only afterwards did I question why failing to look at people and ending on bad terms was developing a perpetual trend, even more so when I would fail to understand my error. An incident a couple of years ago arose when the frustration reached a climax, the consequence being a meltdown and a hostile situation.

• Did have a couple of friends at school, have a good friend at the moment - We were geeks and seldom on the popular end of the scale. I initially knew them through my mother's circle of friends, sharing interests being sierra cosworths, video games, science or computers. That world that differed to the mainstream as these interests provided the single reason for any kind of interaction, although to my parents I would have appeared content and normal. With hindsight, the priority was not social interaction but rather information exchange about our related interests and less reciprocal. The vast majority of more recent associates or friends were established through family members. An attempt was made to fit in with a group a couple of years ago, but through no apparent fault on my behalf they took advantage of me and it ended as frustration, a meltdown, impulsive behaviour, and a hostile reaction towards me.

A friendship I currently have originated from junior school, as our parents knew each other very well, hence why we knew each other in the first place, so not awkward small talk required, our conversation almost exclusively comprise of space, music, psychology and motorbikes. Seldom social demands during childhood, my portrayal of people was never appropriate for developmental level, as though I was 'always 8 years old' socially and emotionally until after college. My nature is to assume everyone is congeneric to me and would share my cogitation, especially people with similar interests. Frustration would germinate when I eventually become aware that reality conflicts this philosophy. During secondary school peers were interacting with new friends and forming relationships with the opposite sex and I along with the limited number of individuals I knew from junior school were still acting in our traditional way, where a sophisticated social level was imperceptible. The development of my social/emotional brain became indolent despite the above average ability of my academic brain, according to several teachers. I wasn’t inspired by the general peer group/stereotype; the limited number of kids I collaborated with shared a commensuration in terms of social/emotional development. I could only confer with to them individually (which still applies now) and were all into computers, science and machines. They eventually matured and I was belated.

• Lack of eye contact could be a lack of confidence - I am unable to consistently look at my friend or family members in the eye let alone strangers. When I do look at people in the eye at work, the situation is a formal exchange of information. It can be compared to looking at a bright light rather than just a paranoid fear of looking at somebody and being the target of a stare. I am able to cast my eyes at someone when that is all I have to focus on. The online autism 'eye test' is manageable due to it being an artificial situation lacking conversation so I am unhurried during my study of the eyes. In reality the practicality is reduced severely and may be accused of stalking. I can study eyes comfortably on television with partial success but it is a conscious effort.

• Can do conversations – Small talk can occur for limited periods at work. Fundamentals issues are them not being face to face conversations, The use of pre-rehearsed phrases will reign supreme, for example 'hi how are you, good weekend?'. I become soporific, and dread having the obligation to perform it every time I walk through the door or when someone communicates with me at random. I cannot maintain an eye to eye exchange, instead compensating by looking 'through' them. I feel compelled to join conversations which relate to special interests, attempting to manipulate it towards my interest with a blunt approach of dictating facts or figures. Conversations are usually based on my interests but can only maintain for so long, depending on the victim, before mind blindness and awkward silences emerge. I am exhausted and bored after a small period of seemingly 'informal' conversations. I have always related better to much older people but seldom with people of my own age, with the exception of my friend.

To conclude I can simply state that I have suffered over the years for my lack of natural social skills, not understanding why. Many issues have caused confusion leading to ultimate frustration in the form of self harm. No one had explained that the world is different for me because other people through no fault of their own were negligent towards my perception of the world, and the same can be said in reverse. I don't understand most people and generally it is vice versa, but my ultimate goal is to achieve conscious permutation. Some people call me an "old soul" and marvel at my wisdom and mature knack for knowledge, but the evidence towards me having the emotional and social capacity of someone in their early teens is pronounced.

I am more at ease now I have stopped trying to conform to the masses. I believe I possess an irresistible childlike curiosity of the world and the universe. I am constantly informed that I am in my 'own little world' by average people who just worry about what is on television, although I believe I am more enlightened by the physical world than the majority of the community. That is the trade off, the physical world and the social world, the question being which one does one hold more dear? I assume that the majority of humanity would compromise between the two, and the minority go either way like a spectrum. Enlightenment is one step, followed by an understanding and subsequently wisdom, but I now realise after all this time that they both depend on each other, being equally important when discovering the truth about humanity.