I don’t think I have ever told members of my family that I love them; I have never hugged anyone and felt comfortable about it, and I have never been in love with a woman. The reason is I don’t really know what it means or what it really entails. Of course I can consciously think of an explanation, such as to care about someone or a mutual attraction but why say something I don’t really understand? How am I supposed to act and what am I supposed to receive in return? The only two things I can think of are doing things for each other such as favours, and sharing common interests, but then that could apply to the average acquaintance.
I am 25 years old; I have never had a girlfriend as sad as it sounds to the NT. One could accuse me of being asexual or even homosexual, which is far from the truth. I have my fair share of lustful urges towards women like any other heterosexual man. I have had my fair of opportunities, I have talked to women and not got very far, a conversation would last about a minute and then the awkward silence would hit with a vengeance.
Of course you cannot miss something you have never had, but I would really like to know what I am missing, as everyone seems to base their whole life, decisions and cognition over it. As much as my life is based around routine and my interests, I do often ponder over what I could have, whether I am really human.
Of course I have emotions, but I am barely in touch with them or what they really are. It is a human desire to attract a mate/companion. I often picture my ideal companion as being exactly like me, just in female form, due to the fact I am unable to comprehend or appreciate any other way of thinking. This was and still is my perfect partner, as unrealistic as this, because perfection is impossible.
The word love and the concept in general scares me, it sends a shiver down my spine, to tell someone I love them is no more painful than trying to look someone in the eye whilst maintaining a conversation. Challenges and situations I have heard of in relationships are very scary, something I don’t think I could ever cope with, the fact that two people with mutual interests don’t get along, it goes against my beliefs, despite the contrary being true even in my own experiences.
I am not some cold inhuman robot who is about as charismatic as a cactus, I am eccentric, geekish, loyal, and very rational. There is just this invisible barrier, like a social exoskeleton, all scaled on the outside, but rather warm and soft on the inside. How is anyone meant to know if this sort of person is suitable for them if they cannot even see it?
I remember several times I have talked to girls, usually at a pub, they have approach me, for some reason I get bored with what they have to say, then afterwards when excuses have been made, I could spent a while just looking at them, this may seem very odd, but all I try to do is consciously work out their face, because I struggled so much to do it all at the same time when I had my opportunity. If I did this before the conversation ‘the eyeing up routine’ she would have probably slapped me or called the police!
Ive never approached a lady, call it shyness if you wish but if I dont have a clue what to say, dont have a clue as to who is interested and who isnt, and end up being overwhelmed by this scanning procedure, who can blame me for not trying? I could always go to everyone I see, either ask a corny catchphrase such as 'hi, where have you been all my life?' attempt to chat about the weather (which makes me feel dirty and just feels forced), or go straight in there and dictate facts about the general theory of relativity. None of those scenarios would logically work.
I know the feelings of attraction and longing, but it is always too late before I am really aware of them. I have passed the lust/shutdown/meltdown stage and life has moved on before I am aware of them.
With all these difficulties is it worth the extra mental effort to find out what love is? I guess family love can be shown in many different ways such as doing practical things for each other, but when it comes to attracting a mate, I am clueless. And if I ever did start a relationship, that demanding 24/7 being there for each other at the drop of a hat would destroy me. One may argue that I shouldn’t make such an assumption before it actually happens, but is that a risk worth taking? I would love to try it in moderation, but is that what the other person would want? How am I meant to tell if they would never say anything?
My whole mentality is based on rational thought, when emotions crop up this crumbles, with music being the one exception where emotion and my brain seem to have an understanding. People say that you don’t need a rational reason for everything in life, especially where relationships are involved but, at the very least, I would really like to hear a truly persuasive irrational reason!
My whole reasoning behind this 'in moderation' claim is the fact I have a young niece and a nephew, I go to see them a couple of times a week, which I really do enjoy, they are honest, simple and are really funny, no real conversation is needed, just have to throw soft toys at them! but I can only endure it for so long, or else I just shut down, same with conversations I have with people, then with hindsight I can reflect on what a good time I did have, but I cant make that judgement at the time. Can you imagine the emotional burden of a close partner or even having kids of my own, which would require nearly all of my attention, not to mention the net impact to myself and also to them having to deal with the 'hot and cold' levels of devotion. I can see the joy people get from children but without appearing selfish, the burden would be too much for me to handle, and I am guessing it would be the same with a close relationship, I supposed I value my mental freedom and also my internal routine too much.
In a survival situation I would be an asset to a potential mate, I have a fear for potential danger/predators, very alert physically (and mentally sometimes!), yet in this day and age we are meant to be all cosy and discuss feelings....
This may sound all gloom and doom but, I can hardly say I am severly depressed at the moment, never say never. What troubles me the most is that there could be noone else like me if the opportunity doesnt arise, but then if AS is genetic who would want their child to have such a condition, but then with the correct support from a young age, why should it be a curse when it could be a blessing? Pure speculation in this article, but realistic.
Wednesday, 17 December 2008
Friday, 12 December 2008
conformity
Something amazes me about society, how this invisible rulebook has to be followed in order to appear normal, get treated equally and avoid being shunned by the masses. We are always verbally encouraged to 'be ourselves' when infact the exact opposite is true. Whenever I be myself, I get called names, people snigger behind my back or even worse just go quiet when I enter the room. I always end up my own worst enemy, sabotaging my success with this self-loathing, being sensitive to criticism. I have the same right to life, liberty and pursuit of happiness as everyone else. I don't always seem to know what to do and say and what not to do in say in public, whether it's at work or school
The phrase 'cheer up it may never happen' may seem harmless enough, but if I want to sit down, stare into space with a blank face then that’s my choice. My mind is still happy, thoughts racing around about the cosmos and music, I don’t have time to form a happy face in order to conform! If I was to force a happy face my mind would go blank, just as it would if I was trying to work out someone else's facial expression.
There's a tangible peer pressure, a kind of nationalistic bullying to toe the line. In other words - get that new car on credit, get your large widescreen TV, dress correctly (that is, suitably edgy and with the right labels), have a suitable number of nights out with friends and then, and only then, are you a suitable mate, and the real life can begin...to hell with that.
Either that, or i'm just sick and tired of shallow British girls...I don't have it in me to plough most of my disposible income into 'looking the part'...a trait that sees you left behind in the UK of today, and get accused of being homosexual.
A colleague has reminded me time and time again that a man of my age should be going to night clubs, pulling birds and getting wasted. I get asked if I have a girlfriend yet, I have been asked when I’m going to finally get a driving license. Who the hell said there is a time schedule, let alone if it has to be done in the first place. Procrastination is one thing, shyness is another, but not wanting to conform is totally different. Sexual desires aside, if I actually knew how to socialise with women, do all the eye to eye gaze and small talk rituals, if I didn’t get overloaded by constant background noise, and if I didn’t feel as though my personal space is constantly invaded, and if I lacked morals, then sure id go out on the pull in nightclubs. A man cannot drive a car with his eyes closed, unless he is told exactly when to steer, apply the throttle, brake and indicate at every given moment that it is required. Even if he learnt when and where to do all these functions for a given journey, what if a deer ran out onto the road, what if he needed to use a different road one day?
I can talk about my interests like a never ending machine, got ridiculed for it many times. So what else is there for me to discuss with people? The weather? What I had for dinner the previous night? What benefit would that actually give my brain? Small talk is known as the oil that lubricates the wheels of social interaction. I am baffled, how can talking about your dinner enhance your social status? Surely the majority of mankind can see past the shallows? Why are people afraid of the deep end? I am an all or nothing kind of guy, my conversations tend to be non existent, or an in depth discussion about a worthwhile topic. It depresses me as to why people are afraid of this. Surely this is substance over style? But maybe that is exactly the point; do people prefer the easy option? It might be more difficult to break the threshold with people who are wired to be weird, but if only I could advertise the benefits without having to feel overwhelmed, cheap, exhausted and dirty.
My sister once reassured me that odd people are far more interesting, if that is the case then why do weird/eccentric/odd people remain on the outskirts of the social world? Why do they never get a shot? There is a rulebook that most people are given as a birthright. Some people such as me are denied it. This subconscious book has programmed people to be able to pick up body language, and facial expression as though it is a sixth sense. The eyes can be seen as a window to the soul, another mind and soul can be understood, probed, manipulated, loved and hated.
What rulebook was I given then? I look into someone's eyes or look at someone's face and it feels like I am looking at nuclear fusion. I try to understand another point of view and it feels like I am taking mental cyanide. I try to be like others, and I end up feeling exhausted, frustrated and need time to cool down. But then how come all I think about is the cosmos, music, motorbikes and ww1&ww2, mentally picturing scenarios, with a melody and/or rhythm in my head. This book must have a different author; it told me all those years ago to understand logic, systematic processes. It told me to automatically pick up music, have perfect pitch, and be aware of things that really matter. My brain has its own priorities. Are they superior? I am not one to answer.
At the end of the day does being a geek with intense interests who is prepared to live life his unique own way deserve the punishment it brings? There is no blame to be put on individuals, just frustration towards this invisible impenetrable wall that doesn’t allow the required two way mental passage. I would never throw away the book I have given, but I would love to borrow the other one for a day, just to see what it is all about.
The phrase 'cheer up it may never happen' may seem harmless enough, but if I want to sit down, stare into space with a blank face then that’s my choice. My mind is still happy, thoughts racing around about the cosmos and music, I don’t have time to form a happy face in order to conform! If I was to force a happy face my mind would go blank, just as it would if I was trying to work out someone else's facial expression.
There's a tangible peer pressure, a kind of nationalistic bullying to toe the line. In other words - get that new car on credit, get your large widescreen TV, dress correctly (that is, suitably edgy and with the right labels), have a suitable number of nights out with friends and then, and only then, are you a suitable mate, and the real life can begin...to hell with that.
Either that, or i'm just sick and tired of shallow British girls...I don't have it in me to plough most of my disposible income into 'looking the part'...a trait that sees you left behind in the UK of today, and get accused of being homosexual.
A colleague has reminded me time and time again that a man of my age should be going to night clubs, pulling birds and getting wasted. I get asked if I have a girlfriend yet, I have been asked when I’m going to finally get a driving license. Who the hell said there is a time schedule, let alone if it has to be done in the first place. Procrastination is one thing, shyness is another, but not wanting to conform is totally different. Sexual desires aside, if I actually knew how to socialise with women, do all the eye to eye gaze and small talk rituals, if I didn’t get overloaded by constant background noise, and if I didn’t feel as though my personal space is constantly invaded, and if I lacked morals, then sure id go out on the pull in nightclubs. A man cannot drive a car with his eyes closed, unless he is told exactly when to steer, apply the throttle, brake and indicate at every given moment that it is required. Even if he learnt when and where to do all these functions for a given journey, what if a deer ran out onto the road, what if he needed to use a different road one day?
I can talk about my interests like a never ending machine, got ridiculed for it many times. So what else is there for me to discuss with people? The weather? What I had for dinner the previous night? What benefit would that actually give my brain? Small talk is known as the oil that lubricates the wheels of social interaction. I am baffled, how can talking about your dinner enhance your social status? Surely the majority of mankind can see past the shallows? Why are people afraid of the deep end? I am an all or nothing kind of guy, my conversations tend to be non existent, or an in depth discussion about a worthwhile topic. It depresses me as to why people are afraid of this. Surely this is substance over style? But maybe that is exactly the point; do people prefer the easy option? It might be more difficult to break the threshold with people who are wired to be weird, but if only I could advertise the benefits without having to feel overwhelmed, cheap, exhausted and dirty.
My sister once reassured me that odd people are far more interesting, if that is the case then why do weird/eccentric/odd people remain on the outskirts of the social world? Why do they never get a shot? There is a rulebook that most people are given as a birthright. Some people such as me are denied it. This subconscious book has programmed people to be able to pick up body language, and facial expression as though it is a sixth sense. The eyes can be seen as a window to the soul, another mind and soul can be understood, probed, manipulated, loved and hated.
What rulebook was I given then? I look into someone's eyes or look at someone's face and it feels like I am looking at nuclear fusion. I try to understand another point of view and it feels like I am taking mental cyanide. I try to be like others, and I end up feeling exhausted, frustrated and need time to cool down. But then how come all I think about is the cosmos, music, motorbikes and ww1&ww2, mentally picturing scenarios, with a melody and/or rhythm in my head. This book must have a different author; it told me all those years ago to understand logic, systematic processes. It told me to automatically pick up music, have perfect pitch, and be aware of things that really matter. My brain has its own priorities. Are they superior? I am not one to answer.
At the end of the day does being a geek with intense interests who is prepared to live life his unique own way deserve the punishment it brings? There is no blame to be put on individuals, just frustration towards this invisible impenetrable wall that doesn’t allow the required two way mental passage. I would never throw away the book I have given, but I would love to borrow the other one for a day, just to see what it is all about.
Monday, 1 December 2008
geekazoid
On first viewing my special interests would appear broad. They wax and wane in magnitude, but never truly disappear even if the empowering desire for a particular subject dissipates. They dictate introspection and anticipation, fuelling a dream-like state of being compared to daily living. I have several augmenting long term interests that I alternate between at the moment, but never more than 1 or 2 at any given time. I will jump from interest to interest within a circle of interests which can last a day or several months, it will last as long as my attention span (which can be incredibly erratic) allows it to. The topics in question are as such that I am able to endorse an interest despite getting a bit bored of a specific subject within it.
The ongoing broad topics will always exist, but during a state of captivation, it will be an interest within an interest occupying a single minded fascination, which can incorporate the T34 tank from world war two, the planet mars, saxophones, the Ducati 916, the moon, trenches of world war one, organ music, and afterwards the general theory of relativity. During conversation I can dictate facts from these topics with robotic utterance, only displaying the facts which are subconsciously engrossing to me, possibly missing out imperative information with my focus being on specific moments in history, objects or statistics/literature.
I can research and expose myself heavily to the point of mental fatigue, then move to the next project, one at a time. The trigger can be a television documentary, conversation, picture, sound, dream or related experience. I can either follow an obsession to the end or snap out of it and move straight onto the next one, depending on the previously stated provocation.
Currently music, astronomy and motorcycles are my main interests with an immeasurable desire to obtain information and knowledge like an intellectual urge, providing me with a mental rush, allowing me to filter out the random chaos created by people and society. My brain has requirements for different types of knowledge which can be broken down into sensory, factual and experience. Some interests cover several avenues of knowledge in this respect, others may only cover one.
They can also be divided into primary and secondary interests. Primary interests presently dominate my psyche, secondary interests used to be primary but are their intensity is limited unless exposed directly to a trigger, for example viewing a large oak tree and in turn causing a temporary but primary condition.
On the contrary to stereotype, I am not a complete expert at any one of my interests, more like a jack of several trades, good at many, master at none. But still, I am far more knowledgeable than the average Joe about the topics in question, and I know deep down if I had the attention span to concentrate on one or two, discarding the others; I probably would become a master. I am impulsive in my intellectual feeding frenzies, when my brain is in awe as a consequence of being exposed to a trigger, everything else is insignificant. As mentioned before the different interests satisfy different areas of knowledge and below is a summary of my special interests as far back as memory allows. A percentage score has been included to reflect how much each type of input is satisfied. I have an inflated drive for factual consumption, certain types of sensory input and a personal paradigm of experience appropriate for my needs.
Sierra cosworths Sensory 15%, Factual 60% Experience 25%
This started when I was around 7-8 years old. My father had a Ford Sierra saloon, and he once took me to a rally meeting. I believe the first car I saw there was a shell oil sponsored sierra, and it was that first visual experience which was the trigger.
I bought two toy models with pocket money and I would bring them into school and play with them in the playground mostly on my own, but sometimes I would play this game in the schoolyard called ‘the parking game’ it became a routine every lunchtime and then a couple of other kids asked to join in. We used to roll them down a gentle gradient and the ones that got the closest to a fixed point won. I would experiment by adding weight for extra momentum, and putting blue tack on the rear axel to slow it down. I would pressure my mum to go to retail outlets to see if they had new toy sierra cosworths, most of the time they didn’t.
I used to have knowledge about the engine capacity, top speed; amongst other useless facts and figures about them I still have those two cars, in a sorry state regarding the paintwork but a sacred part of my innocent youth. It was the shape; combined with that initial exposure to that rally car, combined with the fact my dad had a saloon version which sustained the obsession. Soon after he discarded it for a new car the obsession disappeared.
Astronomy/cosmology Sensory 20%, Factual 70% Experience 10%
I was around 10 years old when this fascination arose, I fail to remember why it began, but possibly it was when I first saw my grandfather’s old pair of binoculars. I used to read many books by Patrick Moore and my teacher was taken aback when we did a class topic on space. I used to explain to her facts about who designed the V2 rocket, the first man in space, what powered the sun, the distance of the earth from the sun and how far the moon was from the earth. I was knowledgeable about the planets regarding their order, size and number of moons. I also knew what a black hole was. Most of these facts she didn’t even know! The school library only contained two books about space which the whole class had to share, but I had around 10-15 in my collection and brought them all in.
This fascination faded to a secondary interest over the next decade. It has come back with a vengeance recently, with subjects such as atheism, evolution of life, string theory and general theory relativity becoming a huge part of it as well. I’m a big fan of the late astronomer Carl Sagan and his works, which tie in perfectly with this fascination.
I can be engrossed in literature, view documentaries (factual) or just sit there and gaze at the stars (sensory & experience). Always something new to learn.
Nintendo 64 Sensory 0%, Factual 10% Experience 90%
I was the only one in my class who owned this video game console, everyone else had a Sony Playstation, spent most of my spare time at secondary school playing on this, and became rather skilful on many of the games, to other people's annoyance, it became the basis of my life during sixth form, as well as weight training.
Trees Sensory 50%, Factual 20% Experience 30%
This one didn’t last long, I had a dream a few years ago which I remember quite vividly based on the video game Donkey Kong Country. I was living in a tree house based community; we never touched the ground, living exclusively in the treetops. I then started reading about trees, saw a picture of the general Sherman redwood tree in America, the most massive organism in the world, and was amazed. It was only specific species of tree that I became interested in, this was almost entirely based on their appearance. The shape of Redwood, Oak, Ash, horse chestnut and bonsai trees will never leave my mind, the shape of the leaves, the texture of the trunk, the way they grow to receive more light depending on their surroundings. These aspects fascinated me more than the scientific details, hence why sensory and experience both score quite high.
I naively chose to do a Higher National Diploma on countryside management because I believed I would be in contact with more trees. Sadly this course was mostly theoretical causing me to become disinterested, realising I was just obsessed with observing them, admiring their predictable static form, the patterns, the curves and in awe of their age. I still admire old trees, but I am not transfixed like previously. I will still stop for a few minutes to observe an ancient oak and zone in on its details. I do have a huge concern about the destruction of ancient woodland and the rainforest, like a subconscious hardwiring that occurred during this phase. A horse chestnut tree got chopped down last year at a local park, and I was incredibly distressed when I saw the stump.
Weight training/nutrition Sensory 5%, Factual 35% Experience 60%
This was definitely an obsession rather than a fascination; it developed during my response to teasing, to be strong enough to stand up to them physically. As it developed onwards, I become aware that this could be the ultimate source of routine. I could plan the times of my workout, what I exercises I do every day, how many repetitions and how many sets I do for each exercise. I had a notebook with each two hour workout; I timed myself doing each exercise within a set time, having a specific order. If someone was using the equipment I was planning to use next, I would attempt to take it in turns, or just use passive aggressive influence to get them to hurry up, such as standing next to the machine huffing and puffing. When I used to skip classes during college I would go to the gym or my bedroom for a workout.
I did 5 workouts per week which lasted roughly ninety minutes; the endorphin rush afterwards was quite pleasant. I ended up seventeen stone with 15% body fat (I am now twelve stone and ten pounds, with a slight beer gut). My diet became very strict; I planned to consume certain foods at certain times of the day, with an incredibly disciplined balance of nutrition. This sense of routine and personal discipline made me feel safe and healthy which helped me stay mentally stable proving a solution to my other problems, like a personal sanctuary shielding me from the unpredictable outside world whilst releasing my anger. I still do weights but only three 30 minute sessions a week, just to stick to a routine as that is something I need. My diet is still bland and systematic as I eat exactly the same food at exactly the same time every single day, just less excessive, although I will eat my mums cooking on Christmas day.
Motorcycles Sensory 30%, Factual 20% Experience 50%
This started when I was in need of transportation and eventually became obsessed with classic British motorcycles. The following passage describes my riding experience from my perspective:
She stood in the darkened alleyway, with just the ethereal glow of a sodium street lamp casting rippling highlights across her projection. I reached out with trembling hands. She was still warm, inviting… I straddled her, whispered how much I needed her today, and how I was going to ride her. So saying, I couldn't contain my libido any more; fingers shaking, I guided them to my pocket and extracted the precautionary measure; then I arched over her and inserted my ignition key. She resisted, she grumbled but eventually spluttered into life.
When riding I am completely in contact with it all...the process and experience of riding, and the environment of the road, and the beautiful scenery engulfs the senses, and the need for constant awareness fills the mind, blocking out all the stresses and strains of modern life, a passing glimpse of nature by direct experience that no routine car journey can ever provide.
With the throttle screwed on there is only the barest margin, and no room at all for mistakes... then the music starts, fear becomes exhilaration, the only sounds are the wind and the roar floating back from the exhausts, filling every possible sensory part of my body. Riding is tiring, exhilarating, adventurous, and sensual, accidents happen, and it has its ups and downs. Am I substituting a human being for a motorcycle?
There are some motorcycles I cannot stand, (overweight Harley Davidson’s and screaming inline four bikes, the most popular genres just don’t appeal to me, just like the majority of people don’t appeal to me, only a select few I choose to admire, they have to display the correct character, charm, shape, sound and soul.
World wars 1 & 2 Sensory 25%, Factual 70% Experience 5%
I think it was the TV comedy black adder goes forth that was based in the trenches of WW1 that started my fascination, and then from then on world war two. I tend not to be too fascinated in the general history, although I am aware of a lot of the facts. Regarding the First World War I am just fascinated by the method of trench warfare, particularly the battle of the Somme and do a lot of research into the concept when my brain decides it is ‘in the zone’. Regarding world war two I am fascinated by certain battles and machines (particularly the T34 & tiger tanks, the spitfire and the mustang for their shape, sound and importance, I have seen them in action and the sound, sight, shape and smell all have an effect). I often ponder on what it would be like to be on the battlefield during that specific time period, visualising and acting out battles in my head using those machines in question, not that I would want to be there for real of course. This is now a secondary interest.
Psychology Sensory 5%, Factual 40% Experience 55%
After bad experiences involving associates just over a year ago, I was beginning to question why I behave so differently to peers and unable to ‘fit in’. I conducted research into learning, anxiety and behavioral problems and came across Asperger’s Syndrome. I researched, and considered other psychological conditions such as the various personality disorders, but the original theory stood its ground. When I was at a low point after yet another misunderstanding a few months ago, I realised I needed to know for definite.
Ever since I have been reading forums, books and other online articles, allowing me to relate to their content almost perfectly, it has allowed me to perform a self diagnosis literally because it makes so much sense. The experience percentage is high simply because I am certain I have a condition and experience it in real-time. In the future I want to interact with other people sharing this condition, to learn further and appreciate the fact I am not alone. These factors alone have provided that drive which in turn has imprinted on my brain. After my necessary research this has now become a secondary interest, but I have been left aware of many aspects of psychology and will passively seek to further my knowledge where possible.
Music Sensory 65%, Factual 5% Experience 30%
This my main interest sharing top spot with astronomy for several different reasons, as mentioned in another article titled ‘what makes my brain tick’
I took up the Cello was I was 7 years old as a curiosity. As time passed and with my parent's support I completed several exams in musical theory and practice. When I was 15 and after years of ridicule from some of the popular kids at secondary school I decided I wanted to learn percussion instead. At the time I wanted something to hit in order to release frustration, and eventually it totally replaced the Cello, which I eventually gave up. I was asked to join a band after my sister told them how good I was, but after several misunderstandings and miscommunications I was told to leave; I lost confidence in my ability and gave up after a 4 year spurt.
Eventually I just sat around on my bed plucking away at my sister’s spare bass guitar. I realised actually I am rather skilful at this, being the perfect blend between the musicianship of the Cello and the rhythmic dynamics of percussion. In effect it was as though I had been playing this instrument for at least 10 years, with just the technical side to perfect. When my sister left a covers band and I was asked to join, they were amazed at my ability. People ask me how long I have been playing and they accuse me of lying to them. I enjoy playing the bass guitar with the band I am in, but it isn’t as dynamic an instrument on its own, hence why I am about to take up the saxophone, partly because I am transfixed by the sound. I am able to mentally practice musical instruments, visualising which notes/strings I am producing in conjunction to the fret board, figuring out a whole song just in my head. I have a perfect sense of rhythm and perfect pitch as well, being able to whistle any note I am asked (being unable to sing).
In terms of musical consumption, my perception is rather different to most people. I can listen to a piece of music on a loop over an extended time period, but boredom will never arise because every time I listen it is different experience. Blues, jazz, prog rock, metal, new age and classical can all massage my psyche in ways which many people couldn’t comprehend. I constantly have music in my head; there is never a point in my conscious being where music fails to be there. I have also been collecting vinyls after the past few years (I got bored of collecting postcards and needed a new challenge).
People call me ignorant and arrogant when I claim to be a musical nut despite not being aware of half the bands they have. Try living in my world where even half of those bands are not required when a song can be improvised or created just using your own mind, or experience totally different form of sensory and emotional stimulation after each listen. I can cry, I can have a mental orgasm, and experience huge tingling rush down my spine, limbs and face all at the same time. If I wasn’t a dreadful procrastinator there is every chance I could have made career out of it.
To conclude this interest, my obsession with genres can alternate as well, I used to be transfixed with thrash metal, the aggression really coincided with frustration towards many people, I collected relevant vinyl’s, putting them in order of date released, although now they are in order of album title. I am definitely mellower now; music constantly defines my sense of being and my state of mind and long may it continue.
The ongoing broad topics will always exist, but during a state of captivation, it will be an interest within an interest occupying a single minded fascination, which can incorporate the T34 tank from world war two, the planet mars, saxophones, the Ducati 916, the moon, trenches of world war one, organ music, and afterwards the general theory of relativity. During conversation I can dictate facts from these topics with robotic utterance, only displaying the facts which are subconsciously engrossing to me, possibly missing out imperative information with my focus being on specific moments in history, objects or statistics/literature.
I can research and expose myself heavily to the point of mental fatigue, then move to the next project, one at a time. The trigger can be a television documentary, conversation, picture, sound, dream or related experience. I can either follow an obsession to the end or snap out of it and move straight onto the next one, depending on the previously stated provocation.
Currently music, astronomy and motorcycles are my main interests with an immeasurable desire to obtain information and knowledge like an intellectual urge, providing me with a mental rush, allowing me to filter out the random chaos created by people and society. My brain has requirements for different types of knowledge which can be broken down into sensory, factual and experience. Some interests cover several avenues of knowledge in this respect, others may only cover one.
They can also be divided into primary and secondary interests. Primary interests presently dominate my psyche, secondary interests used to be primary but are their intensity is limited unless exposed directly to a trigger, for example viewing a large oak tree and in turn causing a temporary but primary condition.
On the contrary to stereotype, I am not a complete expert at any one of my interests, more like a jack of several trades, good at many, master at none. But still, I am far more knowledgeable than the average Joe about the topics in question, and I know deep down if I had the attention span to concentrate on one or two, discarding the others; I probably would become a master. I am impulsive in my intellectual feeding frenzies, when my brain is in awe as a consequence of being exposed to a trigger, everything else is insignificant. As mentioned before the different interests satisfy different areas of knowledge and below is a summary of my special interests as far back as memory allows. A percentage score has been included to reflect how much each type of input is satisfied. I have an inflated drive for factual consumption, certain types of sensory input and a personal paradigm of experience appropriate for my needs.
Sierra cosworths Sensory 15%, Factual 60% Experience 25%
This started when I was around 7-8 years old. My father had a Ford Sierra saloon, and he once took me to a rally meeting. I believe the first car I saw there was a shell oil sponsored sierra, and it was that first visual experience which was the trigger.
I bought two toy models with pocket money and I would bring them into school and play with them in the playground mostly on my own, but sometimes I would play this game in the schoolyard called ‘the parking game’ it became a routine every lunchtime and then a couple of other kids asked to join in. We used to roll them down a gentle gradient and the ones that got the closest to a fixed point won. I would experiment by adding weight for extra momentum, and putting blue tack on the rear axel to slow it down. I would pressure my mum to go to retail outlets to see if they had new toy sierra cosworths, most of the time they didn’t.
I used to have knowledge about the engine capacity, top speed; amongst other useless facts and figures about them I still have those two cars, in a sorry state regarding the paintwork but a sacred part of my innocent youth. It was the shape; combined with that initial exposure to that rally car, combined with the fact my dad had a saloon version which sustained the obsession. Soon after he discarded it for a new car the obsession disappeared.
Astronomy/cosmology Sensory 20%, Factual 70% Experience 10%
I was around 10 years old when this fascination arose, I fail to remember why it began, but possibly it was when I first saw my grandfather’s old pair of binoculars. I used to read many books by Patrick Moore and my teacher was taken aback when we did a class topic on space. I used to explain to her facts about who designed the V2 rocket, the first man in space, what powered the sun, the distance of the earth from the sun and how far the moon was from the earth. I was knowledgeable about the planets regarding their order, size and number of moons. I also knew what a black hole was. Most of these facts she didn’t even know! The school library only contained two books about space which the whole class had to share, but I had around 10-15 in my collection and brought them all in.
This fascination faded to a secondary interest over the next decade. It has come back with a vengeance recently, with subjects such as atheism, evolution of life, string theory and general theory relativity becoming a huge part of it as well. I’m a big fan of the late astronomer Carl Sagan and his works, which tie in perfectly with this fascination.
I can be engrossed in literature, view documentaries (factual) or just sit there and gaze at the stars (sensory & experience). Always something new to learn.
Nintendo 64 Sensory 0%, Factual 10% Experience 90%
I was the only one in my class who owned this video game console, everyone else had a Sony Playstation, spent most of my spare time at secondary school playing on this, and became rather skilful on many of the games, to other people's annoyance, it became the basis of my life during sixth form, as well as weight training.
Trees Sensory 50%, Factual 20% Experience 30%
This one didn’t last long, I had a dream a few years ago which I remember quite vividly based on the video game Donkey Kong Country. I was living in a tree house based community; we never touched the ground, living exclusively in the treetops. I then started reading about trees, saw a picture of the general Sherman redwood tree in America, the most massive organism in the world, and was amazed. It was only specific species of tree that I became interested in, this was almost entirely based on their appearance. The shape of Redwood, Oak, Ash, horse chestnut and bonsai trees will never leave my mind, the shape of the leaves, the texture of the trunk, the way they grow to receive more light depending on their surroundings. These aspects fascinated me more than the scientific details, hence why sensory and experience both score quite high.
I naively chose to do a Higher National Diploma on countryside management because I believed I would be in contact with more trees. Sadly this course was mostly theoretical causing me to become disinterested, realising I was just obsessed with observing them, admiring their predictable static form, the patterns, the curves and in awe of their age. I still admire old trees, but I am not transfixed like previously. I will still stop for a few minutes to observe an ancient oak and zone in on its details. I do have a huge concern about the destruction of ancient woodland and the rainforest, like a subconscious hardwiring that occurred during this phase. A horse chestnut tree got chopped down last year at a local park, and I was incredibly distressed when I saw the stump.
Weight training/nutrition Sensory 5%, Factual 35% Experience 60%
This was definitely an obsession rather than a fascination; it developed during my response to teasing, to be strong enough to stand up to them physically. As it developed onwards, I become aware that this could be the ultimate source of routine. I could plan the times of my workout, what I exercises I do every day, how many repetitions and how many sets I do for each exercise. I had a notebook with each two hour workout; I timed myself doing each exercise within a set time, having a specific order. If someone was using the equipment I was planning to use next, I would attempt to take it in turns, or just use passive aggressive influence to get them to hurry up, such as standing next to the machine huffing and puffing. When I used to skip classes during college I would go to the gym or my bedroom for a workout.
I did 5 workouts per week which lasted roughly ninety minutes; the endorphin rush afterwards was quite pleasant. I ended up seventeen stone with 15% body fat (I am now twelve stone and ten pounds, with a slight beer gut). My diet became very strict; I planned to consume certain foods at certain times of the day, with an incredibly disciplined balance of nutrition. This sense of routine and personal discipline made me feel safe and healthy which helped me stay mentally stable proving a solution to my other problems, like a personal sanctuary shielding me from the unpredictable outside world whilst releasing my anger. I still do weights but only three 30 minute sessions a week, just to stick to a routine as that is something I need. My diet is still bland and systematic as I eat exactly the same food at exactly the same time every single day, just less excessive, although I will eat my mums cooking on Christmas day.
Motorcycles Sensory 30%, Factual 20% Experience 50%
This started when I was in need of transportation and eventually became obsessed with classic British motorcycles. The following passage describes my riding experience from my perspective:
She stood in the darkened alleyway, with just the ethereal glow of a sodium street lamp casting rippling highlights across her projection. I reached out with trembling hands. She was still warm, inviting… I straddled her, whispered how much I needed her today, and how I was going to ride her. So saying, I couldn't contain my libido any more; fingers shaking, I guided them to my pocket and extracted the precautionary measure; then I arched over her and inserted my ignition key. She resisted, she grumbled but eventually spluttered into life.
When riding I am completely in contact with it all...the process and experience of riding, and the environment of the road, and the beautiful scenery engulfs the senses, and the need for constant awareness fills the mind, blocking out all the stresses and strains of modern life, a passing glimpse of nature by direct experience that no routine car journey can ever provide.
With the throttle screwed on there is only the barest margin, and no room at all for mistakes... then the music starts, fear becomes exhilaration, the only sounds are the wind and the roar floating back from the exhausts, filling every possible sensory part of my body. Riding is tiring, exhilarating, adventurous, and sensual, accidents happen, and it has its ups and downs. Am I substituting a human being for a motorcycle?
There are some motorcycles I cannot stand, (overweight Harley Davidson’s and screaming inline four bikes, the most popular genres just don’t appeal to me, just like the majority of people don’t appeal to me, only a select few I choose to admire, they have to display the correct character, charm, shape, sound and soul.
World wars 1 & 2 Sensory 25%, Factual 70% Experience 5%
I think it was the TV comedy black adder goes forth that was based in the trenches of WW1 that started my fascination, and then from then on world war two. I tend not to be too fascinated in the general history, although I am aware of a lot of the facts. Regarding the First World War I am just fascinated by the method of trench warfare, particularly the battle of the Somme and do a lot of research into the concept when my brain decides it is ‘in the zone’. Regarding world war two I am fascinated by certain battles and machines (particularly the T34 & tiger tanks, the spitfire and the mustang for their shape, sound and importance, I have seen them in action and the sound, sight, shape and smell all have an effect). I often ponder on what it would be like to be on the battlefield during that specific time period, visualising and acting out battles in my head using those machines in question, not that I would want to be there for real of course. This is now a secondary interest.
Psychology Sensory 5%, Factual 40% Experience 55%
After bad experiences involving associates just over a year ago, I was beginning to question why I behave so differently to peers and unable to ‘fit in’. I conducted research into learning, anxiety and behavioral problems and came across Asperger’s Syndrome. I researched, and considered other psychological conditions such as the various personality disorders, but the original theory stood its ground. When I was at a low point after yet another misunderstanding a few months ago, I realised I needed to know for definite.
Ever since I have been reading forums, books and other online articles, allowing me to relate to their content almost perfectly, it has allowed me to perform a self diagnosis literally because it makes so much sense. The experience percentage is high simply because I am certain I have a condition and experience it in real-time. In the future I want to interact with other people sharing this condition, to learn further and appreciate the fact I am not alone. These factors alone have provided that drive which in turn has imprinted on my brain. After my necessary research this has now become a secondary interest, but I have been left aware of many aspects of psychology and will passively seek to further my knowledge where possible.
Music Sensory 65%, Factual 5% Experience 30%
This my main interest sharing top spot with astronomy for several different reasons, as mentioned in another article titled ‘what makes my brain tick’
I took up the Cello was I was 7 years old as a curiosity. As time passed and with my parent's support I completed several exams in musical theory and practice. When I was 15 and after years of ridicule from some of the popular kids at secondary school I decided I wanted to learn percussion instead. At the time I wanted something to hit in order to release frustration, and eventually it totally replaced the Cello, which I eventually gave up. I was asked to join a band after my sister told them how good I was, but after several misunderstandings and miscommunications I was told to leave; I lost confidence in my ability and gave up after a 4 year spurt.
Eventually I just sat around on my bed plucking away at my sister’s spare bass guitar. I realised actually I am rather skilful at this, being the perfect blend between the musicianship of the Cello and the rhythmic dynamics of percussion. In effect it was as though I had been playing this instrument for at least 10 years, with just the technical side to perfect. When my sister left a covers band and I was asked to join, they were amazed at my ability. People ask me how long I have been playing and they accuse me of lying to them. I enjoy playing the bass guitar with the band I am in, but it isn’t as dynamic an instrument on its own, hence why I am about to take up the saxophone, partly because I am transfixed by the sound. I am able to mentally practice musical instruments, visualising which notes/strings I am producing in conjunction to the fret board, figuring out a whole song just in my head. I have a perfect sense of rhythm and perfect pitch as well, being able to whistle any note I am asked (being unable to sing).
In terms of musical consumption, my perception is rather different to most people. I can listen to a piece of music on a loop over an extended time period, but boredom will never arise because every time I listen it is different experience. Blues, jazz, prog rock, metal, new age and classical can all massage my psyche in ways which many people couldn’t comprehend. I constantly have music in my head; there is never a point in my conscious being where music fails to be there. I have also been collecting vinyls after the past few years (I got bored of collecting postcards and needed a new challenge).
People call me ignorant and arrogant when I claim to be a musical nut despite not being aware of half the bands they have. Try living in my world where even half of those bands are not required when a song can be improvised or created just using your own mind, or experience totally different form of sensory and emotional stimulation after each listen. I can cry, I can have a mental orgasm, and experience huge tingling rush down my spine, limbs and face all at the same time. If I wasn’t a dreadful procrastinator there is every chance I could have made career out of it.
To conclude this interest, my obsession with genres can alternate as well, I used to be transfixed with thrash metal, the aggression really coincided with frustration towards many people, I collected relevant vinyl’s, putting them in order of date released, although now they are in order of album title. I am definitely mellower now; music constantly defines my sense of being and my state of mind and long may it continue.
People people people
I’m a moaning sod today so I will just come out with it, people ANNOY me.
Listed below are characteristics of alot people that I have to deal with every day, some characteristics are unintentional and they probably don’t mean it but it still wears me out. I’m totally generalising here based on my own experiences, but still here goes:
- People who ignore you - They don’t return messages for days, don’t have the guts to tell you the truth, don’t realise there are people who do give a damn about them, priorities appear to lie elsewhere.
- People who stick their nose in - I have nothing to say here, it just bothers me like hell.
- People who like winding others up - I see this as a lack of dignity on their part, trying to transfer it to the next victim. Shallow at best.
- People who live for nothing but small talk and consumerism - All they seem to thrive on in life is reality TV shows, soap opera's, their domestic life, what they are eating for dinner, rave about their new microwave, throw perfectly good items and food away, appear to obsess about what other people eat for dinner and watch on TV. Don’t people want to use their brain for once?
- People who enforce the social laws - These are the sort that assume a man is gay because he doesn’t have a girlfriend, give someone a dirty look if they dont wear the social uniform. 'Gee this guy has long hair, wears glasses and has a goatee beard, better stay away from him then.' Those who ask why I never go to night clubs, people who tell you to get a life when you talk about your interests.
- People who think they are funny - Go on about things that happen in their life, and expect other people to think it is amusing. Expect you to follow their sense of humour. On the flip side few people understand my humour but I accept that I am an acquired taste, more substance than style.
- Bullies - Speaks for itself, bullying is one of the most disgusting forms of mental torture one can endure. It can take many shapes or forms but the consequences are always dire.
- People who don’t use their brain - If it wasn’t for people who use their brain we would still be sitting in a cave chatting about the weather. People eat their food, watch their TV, totally ignorant to how it ended up on their plate or in their living room all they talk about is how it doesn’t taste as good as it did yesterday or how they get upset when a Soap opera character dies. Humanity may be seen as intelligent, but only a small percentage. This is more of an attack on society as it stands today rather than individuals themselves. But people don’t do themselves any favours. Humanity isn’t doing itself any favours at this rate. 9 Billion People on this planet in a few decades? Heaven forbid.
- People who talk loudly, and shout alot - Why does one need to raise their voice over everyone else? It just makes them appear arrogant, aggressive and possibly not very nice. But it is us quiet guys with more integrity who end up alone. Why does conflict always end up in a raised temper? I for one hate being shouted at, more than just an ego thing, it rips through my senses like a dagger in my heart.
- People who appear to mean well - May say cheer up, oh bless you when I talk about my concerns about the rainforest, then they ask me if I have watched I’m a celebrity in the jungle get me out of here. Frustrating as hell. They appear to understand a point you make to them which took a great effort from yourself, but then go on about their makeup and hairdo a minute later.
- Hypocrites/liars - Tell you something or agree with something, and do or say another. Be your buddy to your face, spread lies and rumours behind your back. If you don’t want to do what I suggested just tell me otherwise I will get the hump!
- Criminals - Speaks for itself.
- Religious people - To be more specific people who don’t have any intellectual integrity. Science is avoided because it takes effort to understand. Fear of the unknown, fear of the awe and beauty of the mysterious cosmos. To believe a book written when the believed the earth was flat is insane. Nothing wrong with faith in certain respects but let’s have a bit of perspective here! Having said that I don’t have anything against alot of the older generation like my grandpa who are set in their ways because that is all they have ever known.
These are generalised views, and of course I could be alot more specific and please don’t think badly of me if you have any of these traits, I’m pretty sure nearly everyone has at least one of them (probably even me) and I’m not exactly about to go out on a social purging spree! Because my brain works the way it does, this blog just gives an introduction as to what I have to face and process every day. I just don’t understand why people behave and think in certain ways; whether that is a good or a bad thing I will never know. My mind is incredibly one tracked everything that happens in my life has to be planned, and when people, unpredictable that they are, get in the way of that I get distressed and feel hopeless/empty/frustrated.
Listed below are characteristics of alot people that I have to deal with every day, some characteristics are unintentional and they probably don’t mean it but it still wears me out. I’m totally generalising here based on my own experiences, but still here goes:
- People who ignore you - They don’t return messages for days, don’t have the guts to tell you the truth, don’t realise there are people who do give a damn about them, priorities appear to lie elsewhere.
- People who stick their nose in - I have nothing to say here, it just bothers me like hell.
- People who like winding others up - I see this as a lack of dignity on their part, trying to transfer it to the next victim. Shallow at best.
- People who live for nothing but small talk and consumerism - All they seem to thrive on in life is reality TV shows, soap opera's, their domestic life, what they are eating for dinner, rave about their new microwave, throw perfectly good items and food away, appear to obsess about what other people eat for dinner and watch on TV. Don’t people want to use their brain for once?
- People who enforce the social laws - These are the sort that assume a man is gay because he doesn’t have a girlfriend, give someone a dirty look if they dont wear the social uniform. 'Gee this guy has long hair, wears glasses and has a goatee beard, better stay away from him then.' Those who ask why I never go to night clubs, people who tell you to get a life when you talk about your interests.
- People who think they are funny - Go on about things that happen in their life, and expect other people to think it is amusing. Expect you to follow their sense of humour. On the flip side few people understand my humour but I accept that I am an acquired taste, more substance than style.
- Bullies - Speaks for itself, bullying is one of the most disgusting forms of mental torture one can endure. It can take many shapes or forms but the consequences are always dire.
- People who don’t use their brain - If it wasn’t for people who use their brain we would still be sitting in a cave chatting about the weather. People eat their food, watch their TV, totally ignorant to how it ended up on their plate or in their living room all they talk about is how it doesn’t taste as good as it did yesterday or how they get upset when a Soap opera character dies. Humanity may be seen as intelligent, but only a small percentage. This is more of an attack on society as it stands today rather than individuals themselves. But people don’t do themselves any favours. Humanity isn’t doing itself any favours at this rate. 9 Billion People on this planet in a few decades? Heaven forbid.
- People who talk loudly, and shout alot - Why does one need to raise their voice over everyone else? It just makes them appear arrogant, aggressive and possibly not very nice. But it is us quiet guys with more integrity who end up alone. Why does conflict always end up in a raised temper? I for one hate being shouted at, more than just an ego thing, it rips through my senses like a dagger in my heart.
- People who appear to mean well - May say cheer up, oh bless you when I talk about my concerns about the rainforest, then they ask me if I have watched I’m a celebrity in the jungle get me out of here. Frustrating as hell. They appear to understand a point you make to them which took a great effort from yourself, but then go on about their makeup and hairdo a minute later.
- Hypocrites/liars - Tell you something or agree with something, and do or say another. Be your buddy to your face, spread lies and rumours behind your back. If you don’t want to do what I suggested just tell me otherwise I will get the hump!
- Criminals - Speaks for itself.
- Religious people - To be more specific people who don’t have any intellectual integrity. Science is avoided because it takes effort to understand. Fear of the unknown, fear of the awe and beauty of the mysterious cosmos. To believe a book written when the believed the earth was flat is insane. Nothing wrong with faith in certain respects but let’s have a bit of perspective here! Having said that I don’t have anything against alot of the older generation like my grandpa who are set in their ways because that is all they have ever known.
These are generalised views, and of course I could be alot more specific and please don’t think badly of me if you have any of these traits, I’m pretty sure nearly everyone has at least one of them (probably even me) and I’m not exactly about to go out on a social purging spree! Because my brain works the way it does, this blog just gives an introduction as to what I have to face and process every day. I just don’t understand why people behave and think in certain ways; whether that is a good or a bad thing I will never know. My mind is incredibly one tracked everything that happens in my life has to be planned, and when people, unpredictable that they are, get in the way of that I get distressed and feel hopeless/empty/frustrated.
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