Thursday, 10 December 2009

boom and bust

The unholy combination of religious zealotry and political corruption and inertia will see to it that starvation will solve the problem. It's disgusting but that's the way things are in this world....a few random ideas:

We harness nuclear fusion, develop mechanized agriculture basic on electric vehicles, educate the poor, stop child benefit, by law the right to have a family should be based on means, food aid should only be provided to poor people along with condoms and mandatory education, interstellar exploration happens in order to make use of raw materials from other planets and asteroids, anyone who has more than 3 children should be fined and sterilized, economies should be directed towards new technologies rather than providing for the materialistic whims of the shallow majority, every state and law system is completely secular and adopt a one party system where every department is voted in and out depending on strict performance criteria, make sure every murderer is executed and every rapist and pedophile is sterilised, ban religion, give more scholarships for higher education,...oh I think you get the idea.

Sounds brutal and ruthless? Maybe, but the alternative is far worse. Most of us are useless when it comes to actually making/doing something that could enable survival apart from just passing on our genes and there will be one or more main events that cause the majority of the population to disappear in the future.

Totalitarian mass sterilization is surely better than millions of dead in a plague scenario and the problems of dealing with the dead bodies etc, but the ideal solution is to change our attitude towards mother earth and not just to educate more people, but increase their desire to be educated, but this is a mammoth task.

If 'god' has allowed this pending population crisis and suffering to happen then he/she/it is a fascist! Religion is out of date and is turning a huge number of people into brain washed drones. We talk about morals, but at which level are they most justified, for the good of the individual or for the good of mankind as a whole?

Bottom line: The "inconvenient truth" overhanging the UN's Copenhagen conference is not that the climate is warming or cooling, but that humans are overpopulating the world. A planetary law, such as China's one-child policy, is the only way to reverse the disastrous global birthrate currently, which is one million births every four days. To those people who think having lots of children is their god given right, its not rocket science just do the math!

Do any of those self absorbed individuals who think it is their right to have children understand the heart of the problem? In raw nature it is an animal urge to have as many offspring as possible so at least two of them survive due to the cut throat environment mother nature throws at them. We now live in a civilised society where most children survive to adulthood and due to consumerism we have a high standard of living until a ripe old age. Do the sums, it is a simple trade off. We are genetically programmed to have a desire to reproduce like any animal does, but we also have something very large called a neocortex which allows us rational thought. Try using it. The planet's resources are finte, as are the resources of our own country, which means population growth has to be finite as well in order to maintain a status quo in living standard. We have three options 1) forced population control by the state 2) mother nature ruthlessly controls the population through famine and disease 3) we control ourselves by expanding our minds and looking out for the species as a whole, which is the best option? Have loads of children if you wish but you will only be condemning either them or their offspring to a far lower standard of living. Disagree with me as you wish but if you want a certain way of life you have to accept certain boundaries. It is about earning your rights with responsibility and they should both go hand in hand. There are 7 billion people in the world now and 9 billion predicted by 2050, and something has to give. We are sitting on a time bomb here and I beg you to think with logic over desire, because isn't that what makes human beings stand out? Try looking beyond your own little lives and think of humanity as a whole and you will see my point, because in the end it WILL affect in your own little lives in the long run. It is not an attack on any individual, but I wish everyone in the world would realise it. Things are changing in this millennium and we have got to a set of crossroads. This goes to people trying IVF off the state and people who have large families and claim child benefit just because they can. There is no such thing as a free lunch. I would love for the world to become educated enough to see that personal population control is the way to go, but there are enough stupid people out there for me to know that’s not likely to ever happen.

It may sound cruel, but I don’t see the benefit in all these humanitarian missions like Darfur. The genocide there is a result of competition for resources (because of overpop). It’s a human tragedy, no doubt, but if you save these people, they’re just going to create a strain on resources somewhere else, and once that strain becomes too great, or one group becomes too jealous, genocide will result again. Bill Gates may provide mosquito netting to prevent malaria in Africa. If you prevent malaria, how many rain forests will these people cut down to feed themselves? How much food will we need to send to place like Kenya (the Maersk Alabama was bringing food to Kenya, right next door to Sudan. When the Earth wants to have fewer people on it, it finds a way to get rid of them. Plagues like the Black Death or the Spanish Flu during the 1920s eliminated millions of lives in heavily populated areas. Earthquakes, volcanoes, tsunamis, etc. cut down populations. The original point doesn’t sound so cruel after all. I honestly think we’re due for another pandemic of a sort. Just seems like developed countries have been living too clean lately. People have forgotten the past and are oblivious to the future.

It is not sustainable and what good is being politically correct and ensuring ALL freedoms if it will lead to the downfall of humanity? Curbing population growth through family planning must be at the heart of policies to fight global warming. Governments must reduce population growth by funding better family planning - even if it means shifting money from curing illness to increasing contraception and abortion, and reduce child benefit to just one child. Don’t get me wrong children are lovely and can enrich the lives of parents, but what is wrong with having a maximum of two children who will each receive a great portion of family resources not to mention that the planet has a biological load limit and I’m sure we have surpassed it already.? Voluntary human extinction movement take it a little far, but the ideal has it’s basis in everything that was discussed here.

Which leads to my next point…

"Great nations rise and fall. The people go from bondage to spiritual truth, to great courage, from courage to liberty, from liberty to abundance, from abundance to selfishness, from selfishness to complacency, from complacency to apathy, from apathy to dependence, from dependence back again to bondage."

Democracy just plain doesn't work. And it will inevitably lead to tyranny. By employing democracy, it says that everybody has a say in who should lead the country. The problem is that this implies that everybody does know what’s best for the country and understands politics. My suggestion (as it would be apt to provide a solution albeit a rather simplistic one) is that qualified voting MUST be implemented whereby a person must qualify as intellectually apt in order to cast a vote. This, I know, is drastic but in order to combat this "apathy" as such, maybe such drastic measures are necessary. To end - I have to say that I believe in dictatorships as such where a bunch of qualified intellectuals run a country! But, in the real-world, I know this is impossible because of corruption and stuff but one can dream... The person that can't find "Russia (biggest country in the world)" but needs to find a way to find food and or money to feed his/her family should be able to vote because s/he knows his/her world and how government affects his/her wallet.

Democracy Is Fake When the Populace Consists of Ignorant Sheep Who Can Easily Be Manipulated By the Powers That Be. I like the idea of 'majority rules', except when the majority consists of un/misinformed pawns who have no touch with reality and are easily manipulated into believing virtually anything that could appear to further their personal interests. The majority should be considered, and forgive me for the term, 'retarded'. The powers that be are working only in their own interests to gain money, influence, and power over everything. They are not working for the majority, but pretend that they are, to the detriment of society. The world needs to be ruled by reason, and if people are too thick to understand reason, they can adhere to the concept under a similar whip under which they are currently facing. Eventually as their lives became better, I'd hope that they'd understand why it must be. I've had it with the bullshit. It's enough. I want reason to rule, at any cost. Bring on the philosopher. We need a dictator that has absolute power, yet cannot be corrupted.. maybe we need alien overlords or something. Some may say god will determine the outcome, but if that was the case we would go the same way as the Neanderthals. People are too ignorant, scared, and self-interested to be trusted with the vote, and the candidates are too ignorant, scared and self interested to be trusted to keep to their unrealistic promises, and once they get a taste of power it simply gets reinforced.

Both of these points are examples of short term whims which will inevitably lead to the downfall of humanity as we know it.
‘facts are stubborn things and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passions, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence’

john Adams 2nd US president. Argument in Defence of the Soldiers in the Boston Massacre Trials, but a quote that can be applied to many things.

Wednesday, 11 November 2009

A state of mind or a mind of the state?

So you feel like renting a movie. After a slow drive to the video store in which you try to avoid the police from extorting you, you enter a video store with enough security cameras to see parts of you that you've never seen. You would rent some porno but today you'll be paying in credit card and you sure don't want that census taker knowing you've seen all 50 volumes of clamlappers. So instead you rent film 1984 based on the book with the same name. The zit face behind the counter scans your card and instantly your personal information and spending history is all over the internet. When you get back home you pop in the tape, you would have a joint, but the government has decided that pot isn't in your best interest. Neither is beer, cigarettes, fatty foods, caffeine, red meat, abortions, pornography, motorcycling, flag burning, sex in general or any of the other things you use to enjoy. You sit down to watch your movie and relax the rest of the night when storm trooper-like police bust down your door and carry you away. Seems renting 1984 set off an alarm in all local police computers and got you on the thought police's wanted list. You should know better then to oppose your government in any way, shape, or form. You would fight back but all those gun laws eventually equalled up to a ban on the second amendment. Sound like an impossible world? Sounds fictional? Watch it then take a look at the world around you. Your half way there. Enjoy what freedoms you have left before they're gone.

Thursday, 21 May 2009

Countdown to extinction – The Orang-utan’s scorched earth

I find the plight of these creatures rather upsetting, it really represents for me how devastating us humans are to the rest of the planet and how little we care as a species for all the wonderful things around us, even each other. If anything else was spreading and destroying as fast as we are we would kill it immediately and be talking about how terrible it is what this ‘thing’ is doing. People see the holocaust as one of the lowest moments in the history of humanity but this is far worse. More humans get added to this overcrowding world each year than the total number of people killed in WW2, yet for some reason it is fine to kill off our closest cousin.

I saw program called Orang-utan Diaries, with one of my favourite ladies on TV, Michaela Strachen, who went into the jungle and found a baby orang-utan tied to a tree where poachers had killed the mother and left the baby there. It affected me so much when I saw what members of our so called intelligent species had done. This was not an isolated incident, Michaela was crying, it was so tragic and still haunts me to this day to the point where I have recurring dreams about Borneo and its plight.

I can’t watch wildlife programs like these anymore for the fear of the depressing, yet familiar line about shrinking habitats and how many more years are left before they are gone for good. I do support charities and make donations from time to time, but is throwing money really enough? It is ironic that this shows the very best of what humans are capable of in terms of compassion, but only due to the acts of the very worst. It is as though like WW2, the sight tragedy forces us to reflect and raise the moralistic core within some of us.

Like ever sane human I do not want to die or commit genocide, but to be frank, if 90% of us were wiped out (which could be likely in the future due to lack of resources and exploding overpopulation), it would be the best thing to happen to mother earth for a very long time. Of course I don’t want to be in that 90% nor my closest friends and family but, the fact is, without trying to sound narcissist or self indulgent, I do possess a certain mindset or mental model as a result of my upbringing, which I share with my family and friends. I am proud it, and just wish more people would be aware of the things that really matter rather than be lost of their day to day grind.

Thinking takes effort, and yes you have to take the rough with the smooth, but as a person it can really mould you. They say that people with Asperger’s and Autism are more drawn towards animals and also the physical world more than other people, but I don’t think that matters here. Logical, rational thought on a deep level, combined with compassion is something anyone could potentially practice. You don’t need the IQ of a Nobel prize winner to appreciate subtle beauty and put two and two together.

I think people over a certain cognitive age of development should not automatically be free to every right at their disposal. On a moral level people should have to earn their human rights, and be able to lose them, and not have them handed to them on a plate, expecting the world to do everything for them. The mentality which implies you can behave and act as you wish at the expense of others as a birthright (fellow humans or animals), and still be entitled to the same basic things as someone who shows a positive contribution to society and the world. But please don’t think I am implying everyone should do at least ten hours of community service a week or else they are not allowed to eat! We need a change in lifestyle that’s all, sounds simple but in reality it isnt.

The bottom line is, humanity stinks (with the exception of only rare moments of brilliance). The majority excretes vulgarity, blind over consumption, and arrogance. The ignorant and sickening selfishness driven by being set in our ways is beyond that of any other creature known. We claim to be intelligent and superior and that we own this world, not simply the lease holders, but we carry out acts with such cold hearted, primitive and myopic intent. There are animals that kill, although for mere survival with just the R-complex and limbic system to rely on for their judgement.

Our tendency to resort to over indulgence, so easily corrupted by power and greed, is certainly not a sign of intelligence. If we were indeed placed upon this rock by some all powerful being(s) as an experiment to see how an intelligent species would fare in such a material environment, we have certainly failed, or at least on the brink. If there was an all loving god, where is this mysterious entity now to prevent such acts of evil? The truth is, we have to rely upon ourselves, and what we do, not merely by what we just believe or hope. A man is defined by his actions (as Kuato said on total recall!) which means it is up to us as a collective force to make the difference. If this does not happen things are only going to get worse.

Otherwise may the younger generation inheriting the smouldering, war-torn, polluted, and chaotic world potentially left in the wake of this civilization have the intellectual courage, integrity, creativity and strength to tolerate the insanity and absurdity of this awful culture and bring about actual change where we have failed, if they ever survive themselves. Our culture’s addiction to systemic violence, industrial capitalism and environmental exploitation, as evidenced by the current epidemic of poisoned landscapes and shell-shocked nations, seems to be heading in only one direction.

I am not a Marxist, or a complete anti-capitalist, (as it works fine in some industries), or even a raving vegan shouting ‘peace man’ at every given moment, I work for a private company which is there to make profit, I eat meat and ride a motorcycle. Despite this I have come to the conclusion that there is no room in a capitalistic culture (especially on a global scale) for a conscience or logic, and it is all about consuming more and more faster and faster until nothing is left, and then blind panic tightens its grip, and everyone loses out apart from the absolute minority that benefited the most in the first place, another shining example being the financial crisis.

This is especially the case in terms of draining resources, exploiting workers, creating a brainwashed cultural mindset, and of course the destruction of habitat. Humanity effectively has three future paths to follow: 1) Globally each and every one of us change our attitudes and show more moral restraint in our lives, 2) The state(s) or some other kind of enforcement will have to become ruthless at tremendous human cost or 3) Mother nature will eventually fight back, via Darwinian means. I know which one could be the most desirable for us and other life forms on this planet to prosper and have a future, yet the chances of that happening is rather slim.

Back to the original topic, the senseless direction and complete lack of respect and compassion shown by faceless corporate bodies who will not be satisfied until they have reduced Borneo (not to mention the rest of the world) to a lifeless monoculture of plantation. The thought of this just reduces me to a state of turmoil, trying to comprehend why people behave this way, especially if they have children of their own, I mean what sort of world would they have to live due to the acts of their ancestors? Is a short term profit worth the eradication of so many precious species and ecological process that are vital to the wellbeing of the whole global biome?

Wherever you look, man is destroying every beautiful animal and habitat on this planet. Gandhi said you judge a country by the way it treats its animals. When it is all over, and we have wiped out every threatened species, I hope we will feel it was all worthwhile and live like kings for millennia. I have donated money because I felt so helpless and had to do something, but what about these big companies who are destroying all these habitats for ridiculous sums of money, and why is every government in the world so silent? We are not militant enough, and the end is nigh. I never donate to world aid charities because I don’t see them to be important enough and their priorities are wrong. Does that make me cold hearted? Maybe to some people, but personally I think that with a population of 6.8 billion already (and predicted to reach 9 billion in only a few decades), there are other charities out there with much more urgent needs.

It should be obvious that the benefits of protection are more sustainable long term than total destruction; once its you cannot re-grow a whole eco system overnight. Why do they not protect their own country? It is such a shame, a downright tragedy that deforestation will not only threaten their existence and that of others, not to mention that the area will lose a lot of stable, long term commercial success through medicines, eco tourism, and sustainable produce. It is so short sighted to allow this destruction and the governments should clamp down hard on poachers/illegal loggers – take their homes away, or banish their over inflated families to the mainland or a place very far away.

Where orang-utans are concerned it will be one more significant and high profile extinction amongst many we are responsible for, whales came so close, - we are never happy with killing own species so we need to make things as hard as possible for every other. Unless we really all pull together it will not only be those poor little apes of the forest which disappear, due to overpopulation and out of control breeding, as a result of over consumption of so many resources in such little time.

Put simply, we face catastrophe. In order for deforestation to lessen worldwide, and for people to realise what they are doing, we must educate those who put so many in danger and don’t realise the implications of an unsustainable population boom, because they need food and money to live. Traditionally t is always the poorest people who are exploited and forced to cut down tress for the mindless consumerist wants of the richest, and it always the poorest people who have the most number of children due to unavailable family planning or education.

We seem to have this complete obsession with absolute freedom at all costs, the right to do anything we please during our mundane day to day grind. We need to fill that empty void with a drive to better ourselves rather than filling it with over consumption.

I am no child hater, quite the opposite I have a gorgeous nephew and niece, but surely having less children per couple would mean as well that each potential child would in effect have a better quality of life, being able to have a larger proportion of what is available? And surely living within your means and being less dependant on materialistic endeavour would be more fulfilling in terms of making the most of living your life? I don’t know, maybe you do need a certain mindset or wiring of the brain to appreciate the real depths of what this little, yet extraordinary world is all about, spiritually and physically. I fear for the future generations, yes produce as many as you wish, but that will only mean there will be more souls to potentially endure this future scorched earth.

The more I see of humankind, the more I am in love with my pet spider called Sammy.

Saturday, 9 May 2009

mental freedom

Aspergers is not itself a mental illness, just a different way of looking at the world. The only problem is the differences in priorities, which can conflict with the other end of the human spectrum.

We are afraid of what is different. We are a culture that is afraid of change, yet seek it so badly. We are a society of hypocrites, androids, and ignorants. We thrive on the fact that we are the best country in the world, yet somebody shows any disassociation of routine, we are the first to question and get angry.

Generations past were a free-spirited, mind challenging culture that explored all possibilities no matter the cost. The experience was all they needed as a reward. Now, we are more concerned about money and the family-plan that we sometimes place ourselves on the backburner to life. Wake, eat, and pay the bills. What a sad daily structure that we have. Is it any wonder that ‘mental illness’ is more apparent, and that any differences to the norm get frowned upon so much?

These are the choices that we chose to make, and for anyone to say that they cannot do it, I would have to challenge. You CAN do anything, it is whether you chose to do it is another question. I wonder what it will be like in another 30 years. Where will we be, and will the idea of individualism be lost? I can’t wait to see …

The negative side of freedom … hatred and fear of the unknown or unfamiliar. We bomb a country because they do not follow the same principles that we do, it is no different to judging an individual because they dont think or act that we do.

Moral dilemma follows, the underlying message of individual freedom and nonconformity. Self-enslavement is a popular past-time for today’s culture, anything different is considered a condition or an illness. If this attitude gets worse, like a bunch of fools, we are doomed as the civilisation we are familiar with. This a powerful philosophy we are dealing with here, and I dont mean to sound pretentious, but this is an issue that I an deeply passionate about.

Alot of mental issues are born from people who are unsure of their own place in the world, due to the reasons I have mentioned before, why should they be blamed or ridiculed for it? Why are people not so willing to believe in the goodness of others and give them a chance before judging them instead of labelling them as simply ‘annoying’? Am I wrong in assuming the never-ending intolerance of a conservative society that does not accept the changing and evolution of thought mean that we are chasing after something that doesn’t even need to exist.

Friday, 1 May 2009

my baby is bleeding

Went to change the oil last week in my Triumph, all going well, put the sump nut in tighten up as usual, then pour the new oil in.

All seems well until I notice that it is dripping, maybe I didnt tighten it enough, seems a bit loose, better tighten it a bit more.

*CRACK* the sump pan splits. Oh shit I forgot to install the crushable washer. Bollocks.

30 quids worth of oil dumped into the road and 210 quid for a new sump pan and gasket...expensive mistake! I have changed the oil dozens of times in the past, mind on other things.....!?

Sunday, 12 April 2009


I often ponder on the fate of mankind, I am pretty sure of the direction it is heading, but it really doesnt have to. Does my limited theory of mind capability cause my frustration, or is it because of my logical nature? At first glance the answers may seem obvious. But is it really that simple? I suspect it takes more than just a simple answer.

Why do fear and evil appear to be made for each other, and does all fear stem from being unable or unwilling to understand?

Is dependance as a result of ignorance the product of a consumerist society?

Why is emotion and reason so conflicting, surely opposites attract?

Are alot of people too lazy to think or are they just too scared?

How far will the desire for materialistic gain go before it is too late?

What is worse, a fear of living or a fear of dying?

Why does society in general value short term gain over long term goals?

Is hardship the only way to enforce perspective?

Could fascism potentially secure the future of mankind as a thriving species if morality was viewed from a perspective beyond the lifetime of a mere individual? If not, why not?

Why is communism so brilliant on paper yet so bad in practice?

Is democracy really as good as it sounds, surely it fuels a web of lies and deceit?

Do creativity and conformity directly oppose each other?

If current and past political models do not work as effectively as they should, why hasnt one been developed that does?

Is it mortality that results in selfish thinking, and will this actually aid the downfall of civilisation?

Personality aside, what really defines an act of evil? Intention? Outcome?

Saturday, 11 April 2009

Its official

After months of questioning, doubting, over analyzing, thinking every possibility it was finally spelled out to me in black and white by a professional. I have Aspergers Syndrome. They even asked me how I felt when they said it, bit of a silly question to ask an aspie really, but I simply said 'relieved'.

Not so much a desperation for having a label but more just finding a reason. I do not like to accept situations for how they are, I need to know how and/or why. Even my parents have fully accepted it, which I must say is the biggest relief of all.

I have been virtually convinced that I have AS for roughly a year now, but being told has made me rather philosophical, as it wasnt really a shock out of the blue. Time to stop being all emo with all that angst and self pity, and to start the real journey of self discovery.

Thursday, 26 March 2009

The Power of Mozart

Something about his music just hits the spot. When I am feeling confused, low, angry, or even happy, I can play mozart and hear/experience purity, perfection and youth. His cheeky knack at finding that hysterical sweet spot within his compositions can bring a tear to the eye. Mozart’s means of expression is precisely as ‘simple’ and as ‘complicated’ as are emotions, it explores every avenue, until every possibility appears to have been exhausted, but then you realise the possibilities are endless. Exploring loneliness and affection mixed with a dreamy sense of fun.

His music provides comfort, warmth, and mental enrichment. This is possibly due to such a broad mix of tonality, and a stylish sequencing of notes that would provide a form of musical witticism which could only have been concieved by a bombastic genius, exposing your inner child that never wants to disappear. Light and fluffy on the outside, multi layered complexity underneath, which pulls one by the ears to the depths of hell and the loftiest clouds of heaven.
Whether it is eine kleine nachtmusik (personal favourite), the marriage of figaro, or symphony No 40, it has the effect of an addictive drug, I will get withdrawal symptoms, crave it and when I expose my ears to his creation again it raises my conciousness to another level, providing the perfect escape leaving my mind refreshed. I can physically freeze, having to put all my energy into absorbing this aural feast and feel all the better for it. I can play a single track over and over again without getting bored of it, focusing each time on the different layers of thought that went into its creation.

As much as I love various musical genres such as heavy metal, blues, jazz, prog rock, new age, reggae and various other classical composers, mozart has to be the most timeless of all the artists. If Beethoven is the soul of classical music, Bach being the backbone, mozart is most certainly the face, being able to communicate on so many levels with just a single piece (that sounds ironic coming from me as I am not very good at reading faces!). Sensory sensitivity has its advantages!

Monday, 16 March 2009

Typical monday morning

hmm what do I do today? what was I going to do today? did I lock the back door? did I remember to make my lunch? oh no im 2 minutes late for work, PANIC! Oh damn I forgot to brush my teeth. Oh shit, I have to say im very well when I walk into the office when infact I feel like crud. I have loads to do at work, where do I start? Oh shit I was meant to put the backup tape in on friday, *gets a telling off from his manager*. Stop fidgeting during a meeting says my manager... hmm did I remember to take my pills this morning...I cant remember. adrenaline levels rising (someone keeps coughing randomly and VERY loudly.. becoming unbearable...server whizzing away, drilling into my soul. Reaching breaking point....time to go home, darn someone is in the bathroom, I always have my bath as soon as I get home! grrrrrrr *bangs on bathroom door...OI HURRY UP I NEED MY BATH! Oh and now someone is using the microwave, I always have my dinner at 6 o clock. GRRR *takes out whatever is cooking in the microwave and puts his own food in there* Oh what now? someone has sent me a text asking if I fancy a drink tonight? Get stuffed you should have asked me last week so I can mentally prepare...!

Is someone talking to me? Im watching this documentary about the death of the universe, stop bothering me! Program is over, I ask what they wanted (40 mins later), im told to stop being so selfish, not sure what they mean so I lose my temper, throw a cup of coffee across the room and storm off. I put on a led zeppelin song, listen to it over and over again while surfing the net. Oh shit! its time for bed, it is 11.59 and 30 seconds... better take my pills, brush my teeth, go toilet. hmm did I just take my pills? I cant remember, better take em again incase I forgot I dont want a brainstorm in the middle of the night.

Same again tomorrow!

Sunday, 15 March 2009

A walking contradiction

I will just go out and say it, I love playing lego, watching thomas the tank engine, making strange gurgling noises, making up strange new words, making strange bodily movements including laying on the floor the wriggling about, playing my musical instruments, making totally irrelevent comments that only I understand but annoy people. Im no different to my 5 year old nephew then (his personality is worrying similar to mine, and I hate to say it but I hope he never changes!).

But then I could spend a whole evening calculating intake velocity, piston speed, and other meaningless bits and pieces regarding my motorcycle, or maybe spend a whole evening listening to a BB king song over and over again.

Having said that I always worry about the future of this planet, the decling morals of society, the ignornace and bigotry displayed across the population, the global financial crisis, work issues and any slight issue during the day that might cause any kind of stress.

I seem only able relate to kids under ten or people twice my age, with one exception, for different reasons. I dont feel too nervous around them and things flow so much easier. Probably because young kids are honest, innocent and curious, not to mention silly! Older people tend to have more wisdom. I seem to have inherited the best and worst aspects of the extreme ends of the mental lifespan, but to be honest I am not one to judge whether this is a good thing or a bad thing.

The tired phrase 'act your age' is so overrated! What am I then? A normal 25 year old man, someone who over-uses logic to attempt to steer through life, someone who has a mental age of a 5 year old, a bitter old man who should get over it, or maybe, just maybe someone who is all of these. No wonder I just end up fighting myself most of the time, just for a sense of identity. Not many people have seen all the sides of my personality, most have seen parts of it more than often the negative parts are the surface, the positive parts on the inside. It takes a certain someone to be able to see that inner part, and an even more special someone to appreciate it. Who knows if anyone else will be able to see it apart from my immediate family and a friend ive known for a long time. I am definately not a person who someone can warm to initially, partly for reasons I cannot control, but I guess the goal is learn how to 'fake' the initiation somehow to provide some kind of tunnel into the real part. I cant even imagine how I must seem to people who dont have this tunnel vision. It cant be pretty.

Sunday, 22 February 2009

Social Anxiety (Finally making sense)

Would I be correct in assuming that social anxiety for most aspies isnt just a vanity issue or a fear of being ridiculed, but more of a fear of the unknown, as to us, reading new people and coming to terms with a new personality is like learning a brand new skill for each person, and the number of skills one mortal being can have is not infinate? From what I have read I believe fear of the unknown is very much enhanced for people with Aspergers Syndrome which may be an executive functioning/weak centeral coherence issue, which is why we like routines and order, hate random noise, and have special predictable interests. This is just another example of it.

I have known a friend all my life and I not nervous around him, we hardly even say hello to each other it is just straight into the topic of choice! I am lucky in a sense that he has a few autistic-like traits minus the inability to interact with people, for example special interests, empathy issues, needing space, self absorbed etc so he isnt too bothered about my weirdness, as he is 'outside the box' too (which is a compliment).

With alot of people I come across I seem to make enemies without even doing or saying anything. I think this adds to the anxiety as well, and can lead to self doubt, as I would always wonder what the hell it is about me that just scares people off. Through intellectualizing the process due to recent aquired knowledge, the answer to this is blinkingly obvious.

People who I dont see regularly, and strangers (this can even include family members) make me incredibly nervous, and this has been the case as far as my memory allows. In my childhood I saw virtually all of my extended family at least once a fortnight, obviously at school the teachers and kids are seen every day, so this problem would not be apparent back then, but as people move on and go their seperate ways, and as the social web becomes more complicated, the problems start to surface.

At least with people who see me regularly I am guessing that they know what to expect from me and vice versa. I am nervous when I am looked at not because I think they are looking down on me because of my appearence, (which I previously thought a few years ago as that was all I could think of, but it isnt the issue now especially as my conciousness has been raised towards Aspergers Syndrome) but more the fact I am just unable to react properly with my face and eyes for that particular person, or quick enough, and even worse react to their counter reaction etc and then it ends up in a big mess, and leaves me thinking as though 'thats another person ive blown it with'. Failing for so long to realise every person has their unique subtlety when communicating their personality will lead to confusion and as a result of this ongoing set of events, social anxiety tightens the grip. The long held belief/assumption that everyone thinks like I do has been proved to be incorrect.

The way I have interacted with people, sometimes not being too friendly because I havent understood the way I was supposed to communicate effectively with them and they didnt understand that I didnt understand so due to this situation occuring many times in my life, it has had a big influence on me. Now I have realised it is the shape of my face and the way I move my body that makes all the difference. A far cry of assuming people are weird because they move around in a funny way, which appeared different depending on the person.

Social tasks most people take for granted are difficult and take up excessive amounts of time during complex social situations. It is as though I have several small excessively positive and negative characteristics all bundled together in such a way to produce, well, me.

This is different to generalised social phobia as I am not scared of talking to people, it usually just depends on how often I see that person, the place, my train of thought, the time and atmosphere (noises, distractions etc) at the time of communication, plus the amount of pre rehearsed phrases and rote behaviour I have prepared in advance to sustain an ongoing interaction. If any of these factors are weakened, the anxiety is more intense leading to chain reaction which can result in mental exhaustion and a need to withdraw. At least with my friend withdrawal isnt necessary, complete silence for a while doesnt bother either of us, as far as I know.

I think this conclusion at least for me, destroys the possibility of avoidant personality disorder because although social anxiety is the prime subject, it is aquired through different means and is not always present, although obviously it is there often enough to sometimes become unbearable. Probably repeating what ive said on previous blogs, but it helps reinforce my assumption.

Sunday, 8 February 2009

Shoot me before I go too emo

Everyone ive ever known has been in at least one relationship. How the hell do I go about it, what will my life end up as, am I going to end up as a lonely bitter old man and just rot away as some corpse in his bed left undiscovered for months smelling like a sewer with maggots infesting my decaying corpse? Im not very smart emotionally or socially but I have morals, I know what is right and wrong, and I would never hurt anyone who has no mallicious intentions. As much as I like the 'rational thought' of the physical world, sometimes I wish I could just start my life over again as a NT.

Because people are judged by what they look or sound like the usual 'this person doesn't sound too educated/intelligent' crops up. Im not made to sound intelligent, i'm made to think, its a different intelligence to be able to express intelligence.

But I believe I dont seem smart, but the honesty is in with the fact that I do think like that, and I wish not to anymore, because its just infinite regression...being unable to relate to others with any degree of depth and insight doesn't make me any happier either. Regression is relied upon too much as an ineffective coping measure, but due to habituation it sadly perseveres as a method.

Greater awareness that comes with my way of thinking has exposed me to problems most others don't even know about (mostly philosophical, some contemporary - such as environment) Is it my responsibility to solve those problems, or at least try to? Because otherwise these problems will be left for those who don't even understand them! Voicing these concerns is usually replied by 'you think too much' and although I am too smart for my own good, im also not smart ENOUGH to do anything about it. Imagine leaving issues like global warming to idiots who think the scientists of the future will solve them akin to raping mother earth and giving her the equivilent to AIDS.

Western society doesnt seem to nurture intelligent/different children adults in the same way it dotes over atheletes, sports figures or other mainstream pursuits. School exams are becoming easier, people can just appear on reality TV shows and become instant celebreties with all the frills, sports prima donnas get paid millions for kicking a ball around a field, and greedy bankers get paid billions in bonuses despite crippling the country. We have the odd personality now and again such as Frank Whittle, Einstein, Charles Darwin or Carl Sagan, but even they had to do what they did mostly off their own back and fight to be accepted, appreciated and understood. I am not implying that I am in the same league as those individuals by any means but it is just an example. The mass desire for weath accumulation and greed is the root cause for most mental problems, alcoholism and other related issues, even if the individual affected has no desire for greed or power themselves, the by product from society will always filter down to them. It is no wonder there are so many outsiders with so much potential left standing still, not being able to decide what they want to do or become. Is it any wonder humanity, lacking a true philosophical insight, is on the verge of going backwards? Am I just a marxist in disguise?

Social misfits are seen as losers with no life, and should make more of an effort. That is a nasty, ignorant prejudice because it isnt my primary choice to be this way. It is a like the reverse of asking Forrest Gump, who isnt too bad socially to explain the general theory of relativity. Personally I just cant stop thinking, my brain never wants to switch off, whatever it may be doing. If I have issues with myself I cannot abandon it until the problem is solved, the fear is what if it is never solved? I am hoping us 'geeks' are becoming more accepted in the 21st century, and I hope the media propoganda that tells people to hate and be fearful of nerds, people with mental problems, and people who are different and misunderstood, becomes less potent. Alot of people follow the common group like pack hunters, why cant they form their own real opinions without just agreeing with everyone else? Especially when it is at other people's expense.

Why do people turn their noses up to others who are a bit knowledgable about cetain subjects? Are they fearful, jealous or dont they understand in the first place? To me it is no different to being racist. Is it any wonder people who are different in some shape or form end up feeling rather bitter and low in mood. I know my social intelligence has not developed as fast as my raw intelligence, if anything it hasnt really moved on since I was 10 years old. Is it this gap that makes me feel lost, which gives the impression of me just sleepwalking through life?

I am naturally aware of so much, yet blind to so much as well. It is the inner struggle and the vein attempt to bridge that gap. What if you can think about the future in probability terms, knowing exactly which option is less risky?
It’s not always an advantage: Fear can overtake you easily when you see people acting as if they were blind but without a stick!.

I believe myself as a rational thinker, but when it comes to my inner problems are my thoughts rational? I really cant tell, without knowing what goes on in other people's minds, as something to compare myself to. I am aware of many theories WHY I am like this (which could be AS, personality disorder, genetic makeup, life experiences, nurture etc). But piecing together HOW that has come about is like smashing my head against a brick wall. I cannot just leave it and accept I am 'how god made me' I have to know exactly why and how, there is never an easy answer for anything I experience I always believe there is something more than I can see, whether it is reading from a text book, trying to read a face, or playing a piece of music. Is this perfectionism, or a way of doubting myself when I think I dont understand something? In reality I understand it fully, but always think there is a catch, something else to it, resulting in a fragmented and confused persona, influencing other people's perception of me.

Waiting for nearly a year to go and see that specialist team really doesnt help matters either! Many simple issues combined creates a complex maze for my brain to try and find its way through, the term ignorance is bliss, whatever the subject might be, fills me with rage. Is it any wonder people use alcohol to slow these thought processes down to create a physical and as a by product, a psychological illusion of preventing a potential implosion? I say illusion because in reality although the complex web as a wholeis less obvious when under the influence, single aspects from that web that appear at random become all the more apparent, and a slippery slope is inevitable.

In reality im unhappy with the way things are at the moment. Many times ive heard the phrase do something about it, if only it was that simple. If I really havent got a clue how to go about it, as a result dont know exactly what I want. Is there a neurological reason for this, (executive function, AS, attention defecit problems) or a psychological reason (anxiety etc), or maybe both? The click of a finger really isnt going to work. Of course im being emo here, and over thinking the issue, other people have it alot worse, but this is a psychological thing that slowly eats away. It is a bit like a orangutan trying to survive in a disappearing jungle which eventually turns into a desert.

Yes I am on a journey of self discovery, but I am beginning to believe that alone isnt enough. I dislike the modern way of living and modern society. Excessive mental solitude provokes excessive thought, this current mindset is the end result.

The sad truth is that alot of the time 'being myself' alienates me even further. The broad issue is something beyond my control, and the 'answer' is dicovering the best way to try and adapt to it, but I think this adaption really does require a bit of external wisdom, not just spiritually, but also practical skills to go about things better. Because at the end of the day you cant fly a fighter plane perfectly first time if you havent been shown how (in terms of more effective coping measures that are related to AS). Ive spent far too long trying to figure things out on my own, I dont want to go any further due to the fear of creating a delusional perception of myself and other people. My opinions about society are very generalised, but are based on the information I have recieved through my life so far. I guess the lack of theory of mind, non verbal perception of others and empathy really do hamper things.

Not to mention the fact I wish there were more people on my level, especially women. Dont get me wrong online forums are a great way of exchanging thoughts, but to know people in person is another thing altogether. I am beginning to know who and what I am (sense of self) which has solved a past issue of knowing why things have come about, but in reality this has actually created a whole new issue. I know what I am, but how the hell do I expand this beyond my own cranium?! Other people seem to find it so easy, but then in the future will I have to bring my personal level down to something like awkward small talk and flutter my eye lashes, just to get noticed? I guess I am an idealist, creating a fantasy of wanting to meet the perfect person and live happy ever after.

So many people tell others what they want to hear, agreeing with them to please them, fearful of being their real self in case of rejection. You are not allowed to say this, do that, know about this or that, etc. I guess the point im trying to make is there is no way to win, and some people are destined, due to certain brain wiring in a certain environment, to be in limbo, ie if social/emotional and raw intelligence within a given individual are at opposite poles, there will always be struggle, despite being fully aware of this.

Are you what you think, or what you feel? or is it both? If it is both I have a severe problem because they are on different levels of efficiency for me. Is worrying at the expense of happiness inevitable for self aware logical thinkers who lack sophisticated emotional and social skills? I cannot 'feel' my way out of this hole like alot of people might do, I have to physically climb out of it, using a well structured technique. I could spend my whole life developing this technique, or I could be shown the technique and adapt it to suit my own needs.

One could sit there and hope to be lifted out of the hole if they shout for help, but what if nobody in close enough proximity can hear you, or understand what you are trying to say?

Incase anyone reading this blog is wondering what on earth im venting about, the following points regarding modern society cover the sources of my main issues:

* People who resort to ignorance and/or defy logic/wisdom before making an assumption.
* People who see excessive materialistic gain as their only goal in life.
* The stereotyping and purging of people who do not follow mainstream views.
* People who play off fear and use their power at the expense of others, for example religious preaching, egoism, bigotry and capitalism.
* People who are in denial about any of their shortcomings, especially when they hide it at the expense of others.
* People who 'judge a book by its cover' without even reading the introduction.
* People who are complacent and mentally lazy and do not make an attempt to understand or accept.

To branch off from my own personal problems and to move towards a more general viewpoin, it is logical to assume that the majority of people's problems do stem from the above in some shape or form. Of course it is an ambiguous list, but I believe it does cover all that is negative about modern society, although please dont think I am promoting liberal-esque political correctness here as I am not referring to undesirable comments made on TV by opinionated individuals, but more like ongoing actions lacking decorum that impact on other people's lives in a negative way.

So much energy is directed towards the image of the exterior of any given train of thought that we have become blind to what it is made of, whether it is society as a whole, individual human beings, or the planet we live on. If it looks 'right' then brilliant we will accept with open arms, and vice versa. That seems to be the attitude of human nature, and I am sick and tired of it. If we are living on borrowed time, maybe we need some kind of event to bring out the best of us, we seem to be too comfortable with our current mindset and way of life.

My mannerisms and reduced ability to interact socially/empathise in the usual way may have influenced my judgement, but everyone should be allowed to think and act how they like without living in fear of being ridiculed, or at the expense of other people. If I want to be 'weird' in the eyes of others (in other words be myself) why is that seen as negative, resulting in isolation and being shunned? Shouldnt we embrace individual and independant thought with open arms?

Also, my views against religion are strong, but I would never dictate to somebody how to live their life, unless that way of life was at the expense of others, for example when religion is brought into politics or used as an excuse to inflict harm. I agree with alot of the religious philosophy, minus anything that defies science. Love thy neighbour is a beautiful phrase, but it should be used in a logical context, in reality religion is more about psychology than physical fact, and I can see its appeal. If people could combine the best of both, and discard the outdated aspects like blind faith towards something that cannot be proved, (ie instead of convincing oneself that there is an imaginary being called god who has control over everything, use it as a metaphor for your own personal vision) the world would be a better place, we could understand more about each other from a physical and emotional/spiritual point of view, both being important to humanity's future, rather than sticking to rigid traditional writings when people were ignorant about science. I for one would rather shoot for philosophical wealth rather than materialistic. Knowledge is power, but I guess it is wishful thinking to believe that society would change for the better overnight. This blog does cover a few issues, and a result may appear slightly lacking in direction, but in terms of my own thoughts, and society as a whole, maybe that is exactly the point, a lack of direction.

Sunday, 1 February 2009

Misunderstandings and social anxiety

Part of my social anxiety and being clueless when it involves people revolves around the follwing question: is it worth trying to relate or communicate when all that effort put towards stringing a sentence together is probably all for nothing? Not to mention the fear of the unknown, as unpredictability is virtually a dead cert when it comes to non verbal cues because people are not thinking the same thing as you or me (something I was totally oblivious to until a few months ago) but now being conciously aware of this, it sometimes makes the anxiety worse! I somtimes have the desire to live in denial and accept the consequences. Not so discouraging if I see a person regularly, the minefield is a little easier to pass through, but still laborious.

I believe the AS experts misunderstand as well (based on what i've seen, this opinion may change of course). An example is the tests where you look at photographs of people and/or their faces and/or their eyes and have a multiple choice of emotions to estimate what each person could be experiencing.

Complete tripe, in real life only a short glimpse of someone's facial expression is available, or even more demanding multiple facial expressions, on top of absoring the conversation and having to prepare your own response. It is a bit like having to process mental arithmatic at the same time as having a torch shining in your face, at the same time as stringing a potential conversation together. Unless you are a savant, mental arithmatic is seldom done *that* quickly.

Of course some sums are easier to work out than others. If you compare 100 x 2 to a smiling face, and 237 x 37.238 to a confused face, both can be worked out but obviously at different speeds, causing instability to the recepricol exchange. A smiley face can be picked up and put on almost instantly, to realise someone is confused may be totally bypassed. But stare at the confused face for a while and it will become clear in the end, but at that time the person may have called the police!

I may be wrong, the test procedures may be more sophisticated, and what I have said is based on what people have told me. My point is even informed people, if they dont have it wont have a clue what it is really like.

My reason for this thread is my recent meeting with my manager (who I informed that I have AS months ago) when he told me my body language was inappropiate in a meeting in a small room full of 20 strangers. He said that if I am ok in a small meeting with people I see every day then I should act the same in the meeting in a room...oh I just give up! Basically my point is if the other individual has not experienced it first hand then misunderstandings are inevitable.

The reason I was pissed off is because it is an insult to my intelligence. I am just as smart as him, probably even more, but he has a social knack with people either getting on with them or influencing them. My colleagues just said it is his indirect way of making sure we know who is boss and uses any situation as an excuse to impose, and everyone has had their fair share of it.

I have accepted this but it has highlighted how many times situations like this have happened in the past. I just get the impression that he sees me as someone who is simple with very little grey matter who can be manipulated at will. But then who can blame him when my verbal communication with him can be compared to that of an 11 year old. Then again that train of thought might be me resorting back to paranoia and assuming the worst from people I dont understand. It is a constant mental war of attrition! I am not as bad as I used to be but other people just act as a catalyst.

Having said that, just because AS is one of my primary topics of thought, doesnt mean it will be the same for him, and if I didnt make my point about the condition in the first place then how will someone even attempt to understand? I guess it is a two way scramble of communication, I havent got a clue how a NT subconciously reads people so how can I judge them for not understanding when they have something that is second nature? It is not as easy as pretending to be blind just by shutting your eyes. Think ill stop for breath, will add more to this in the near future when im in a better frame of mind.

The truth is I HATED being alone all the time when I was younger, but was socially oblivious, only wrapped up in my thoughts, not being able to ‘figure people out’. People made no sense to me and were entirely unpredictable, yet I longed to be normal. I spent long hours in bed at night thinking about my interests, but couldn’t find any way to make myself say hi to anybody. Then as time progressed I got more and more frustrated at my family and associates' inability to think as I thought, and my inability to act unreasonable as everyone else appeared to do.